never too late to pretend

in dire need of help

2007-08-13T00:59:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling helpless once again and it's the same person who destroyed my life who's at it again. I'm begging friends and other people out there to please help me with my dilemma 'cause i don't want to go back to those traumatic days.

Help me convince the devil that the way he treats me is so wrong and that he needs to change.

Please help me? text me and ill text you the number to contact.

I'll really appreciate if you help 'cause I'm feeling so helpless and vulnerable again right now.

:((

nobody

2007-08-09T22:23:00.000+08:00

It seems nobody really cares about me anymore :(

Just one of those days when you feel like you can disappear and people won't really notice you're gone.

Oh well, baka nga it's really time for me to go to France so that at least I won't feel as lonely as I am feeling now. Haay. At para kahit papaano may makamiss saken ng kahit kaunti lang.

Counting down the days...

the bibliophile in me

2007-08-07T22:51:00.000+08:00

Weather is just too gloomy nowadays with the rain. Yes, I know that the country needs rain but being a commuter, it makes life harder for me. Always being on the go to beat the rain and always being hassled with the umbrella. Hayayay. Ever since I started commuting naman, I never really liked the rain. Well, which commuter does naman diba? Pero sanayan lang so kaya naman.

Forgot to reveal yesterday that I finished reading The Husband by Dean Koontz. After my French lessons, I went straight to Starbucks here at Marquinton and got through it with an iced latte. Well, to tell you the truth, I expected much more with the ending but it's not because the novel was not well-made. It was and Sir Koontz is really a master of suspense. But being accustomed to the Filipino way of tackling dramas and thrillers that seemingly borders deux ex machina for its conclusion, I found the novel too light and concealing compared to our Filipino thrillers. So it's not really Sir Koontz fault but it's mine. haha. Matter of fact, I admire him for possessing such superb writing skills since he thrills you even if he has already revealed a lot of details. I mean isn't that much more of a challenge since you need to thrill people without being too concealing? Galeng galeng.

Now I'm actually looking forward to buying another book this time by another fave author of mine, Steve Berry. Haay, sarap talaga when you have such much spare time. Well, I deserve this naman right? Kaya ito, catching up on books I should have read if only I had time.

Testing the murky waters na ang drama...hmmm...ewan pero still having a hard time to trust that's for sure.

rising

2007-08-06T21:45:00.000+08:00

As usual, I was late for French class today since I woke up late. Haha. Anyway, I'm really praying that somehow I'd wake up earlier tomorrow (which I actually doubt haha) so that I wouldn't have a hard time straining and stressing myself just to reach Alliance by 9ish. Please Lord? Never pa akong naging on time eh. Haha. Gogogo kaya to!

Last night, I really felt bad. It's just too unfair and uncalled for. I mean it's like the victim's the one being tried. You're the one who went through a lot and you're also going to be the person who'll need to endure such ordeal. Haay. I just hope someday fate will find a way to reverse the situation which hopefully would make somebody out there realize how wrong his/her current view is. Ohwell, only time could tell.

Just tonight, I remembered one of the songs which has always touched my heart and plated it with strength. Beautiful by Xtina.I won't be posting the lyrics here though but it just reminded me how life should be lived. Always feeling beautiful and always believing in one's self even though the world does you so much harm. Yeah, heck I am beautiful and I won't degrade myself to such a low level you're trying to make me feel. I am definitely better than that.

We're the song inside the tune, full of beautiful mistakes. Always remember that ok? :p

when almost everything has cooled down

2007-08-05T19:59:00.000+08:00

A week into my one month vacation and I find myself still busy with stuff mostly in preparation for my stay in France and orgwork. I'm actually not complaining 'cause I'd rather be busy like this than be immersed in the kind of work I had a month ago. Man, that was a killer. Haha. Well, past is past and if ever I get removed 'cause we really did not care about the delayed final Opman papers, I'm going to be OK with it. Besides, I've long realized how such incidence would be the end of me. So what diba? At least I've lasted this long and at least I still have time to do orgwork especially for Pathways.

Well, since last Monday, I've been commuting to Makati back and forth for my French class. I'm telling you it's no walk in the park especially the whole MRT part of it since every morning, I literally need to squeeze myself in and be aggressive in order to ride the train. Waaw, so hirap! Haha. But anyway, I've lived through the first week and I have this next week and 2 days the following to brave the current route I'm taking. OK lang naman na eh since I feel I've been accustomed to the conditions. Well, at least, I can now proudly say that I've commuted to Makati alone butbut I'm sure I'll still be lost the moment I get thrown off the beaten path. Haha.

French classes have been fun and exciting. Being my third foreign language, after forgetting my Japanese and trying to remember my Portuguese, French seems a little tougher since I'm having a hard time with pronunciation and all. But Portuguese actually helped me with my phonetics since its somewhat similar with the French. All those nasal sounds and the ever-lovable R sound, they really make my life easier. My professeur actually was Ralf's teacher in the Ateneo. Wala lang actually haha. Oh I remember writing about visiting Paris after my graduation for my final Portuguese composition. Well, that dream of going to Paris will come true in just a month na lang and I wouldn't have to wait for graduation. Haay, 1 month.

Butbut...Still Portuguese inside! Haha.

Pathways has been fun too. I saw my CIS kids again yesterday and I'm glad they have experienced ANI teachers. And they're all girls! So I'm really confident they're going to be taught well and they're gonna learn a lot of stuff this year. Oh I miss teaching and it seems I wouldn't be doing it for so long especially that I'm required to have OJT this year. Anyway, I still have the last two SAD sessions to concentrate on. (Damn, I missed the first one like for a few hours since my flight's going to be 1220 September 1 and the SAD session is like 12 hours later! haha) Well, I have the remaining three Saturdays to visit them and I'm going to be taking my leave of absence then.

Haay...just 20+ more days and I'll be leaving all of this for four months. Sad but I chose to traverse such path and hey, it's going to be an experience of a lifetime, right? So no worries :p

matapos ang kalbaryo

2007-07-22T23:42:00.000+08:00

May awa ang Diyos. Haay salamat at nadaanan na rin namin ang mga defense at papel na 'yon. Nagpapasalamat ako at naging mabuti naman ang takbo noong mga iyon. Sa sobrang tuwa at gaan ng loob ko, napa-Eastwood (with Bso, Janice and Amelu), napa-MOA (with cousins 'cause it's Tita's bday) at napa-Shang(INT people) ako past two days. O diba? Inabuso ang kalayaan. Dahil nakakawala pansamantala sa kural, gala na ng gala. haha. Kala mo wala nang kelangan gawin. Hoy, isang linggo ka pa! Haha. Oh well, at least, mas kaya na 'to at mas wala na ang kaba ko. I hope...:p

OK, aral na. Isang linggo na lang, malaya ka na! Yipeeeee!

Err...Harry Potter, I hate you 'cause you're so much a distraction. haha. MUST NOT READ HP7 NOW. but i cannot resist so I'm reading a few chapters...hehe.

questions

2007-07-16T22:14:00.000+08:00

will there come a time?

will the sun ever shine?

will all things come true?

or will reality just crush everything as always?

oh living an illusory life!

gulong ng palad ;p

2007-07-14T22:10:00.000+08:00

haay ang tadhana, sadyang mapaglaro. minsan asa ilalim ka, minsan naman feeling mo asa heaven ka na! ayayay. haha. Past three days rollercoaster talaga pero atleast, ngayong time na to as in right now, happiness galore :))))))

so chronological kwento tayo para malaman natin what transpired over the past few days.

Wednesday

1230pm
Nawala wallet ko because i'm born tanga! Argh, I was really depressed that time. I didn't even concentrate during Philosophy class...

430pm
Happiness! To cut a long story short, naibalik sa akin ang wallet ko! Oh my God! Happiness talaga! As in maiyak-iyak na ako sa tuwa dahil nabalik saken wallet ko. Just proved God is sooo goood.

Thursday

Lalang. haha.

Friday

330pm
STRESSSSSS over Opman Paper printing. Haay why did we have to be assigned to a newbie printer gurl. The process would've been much faster if she only knew computers even a little bit better. Ugh, pahirap sa buhay. haha.

530pm
Mcdonald's with fuhriends! Kahit di na ako umabot sa Barkada GA with sina Jen, Miggy, Maria and Chris and Monch to some extent, at least I spent time with Andrew and Deemuh.

some time last night

PFFT. TSS. ARGH.

Saturday

This afternoon

Pathways LOVE!!!

Tonight

Happiness. Euphoria. Glee. However you call it. Basta can't stop smiling. haha. Sana lagi na lang ganoon. haha.

How i wish talaga. Sana laging ganito ang araw ko.

Thus, energized ako for this final stretch of the JTA sem! GOGOGO!

Dahil sinipag mag-update

2007-07-10T22:37:00.000+08:00

ok buhay pa naman.

+

sana may glasses na ako para mas makakita na ako ng malinaw, di ba, ralf? :p

+

naiyak ako kahapon sa wowowee. paano ba naman, nagdonate ang mga tao, not only TFC subscribers ah, sa isang contestant na nangangailangan ng pagpapagamot sa kanyang ina. haay, it's just this sense of camaraderie among countrymen that brought me to tears. grabe, nakamamangha talaga ang bait ng pilipino pagdating sa pagtulong nila sa kapwa.

+

umiyak naman ako kagabi. huwag ninyo na tanungin kung bakit. haayayay. drama get out of my life! haha

+

sana video game na lang ang buhay. Kapag nagkamali ka, pwedeng ireset at magsimula ulit without the all the shit that happened you. Hindi ba masaya yun? One click and wala na ang mga hinanakit na dinadala mo sa buhay mo.

+

trabaho na po!

onslaught

2007-07-04T23:16:00.000+08:00

I just really hope that France will be worth all this stress, sleepless nights, paperwork, presentations, group dynamics. If not, I'm really going to kill myself for being such a gullible person for nth time.

Strength, perseverance and an aversion to sleep are three traits I badly need now.

kill the wendevil!

2007-06-19T22:48:00.000+08:00

Wendy, you're the most plastic, hypocritical, evil, self-absorbed bitch Philippine television has ever had. The world does not revolve around you and your scripted bullshit that you tell people to get sympathy. Please, you don't even deserve to be inside the house. I really hope some maniac runs on stage and stabs you with a knife to bleed and die because that's what you deserve for being such a devil's incarnate!

And thanks ABS, for always trying to sugarcoat Wendy's evilness. Yes, try to make her look like the victim here and hide all the backstabbing and plasticity she had before. Yes, RIG the whole show just that she comes back. you officially jumped the shark with that stupid twist of yours just to bring back that skanky bitch. I really hope you rethink about the housemate you're pimping but if you want a plastic, hypocritical, self-absorbed bitch devil to be a symbol of the Filipino people, then go ahead, make WENDY, the undeserving mediawhore, win. Make it a tie with Bruce too who clearly was another favorite of yours even though he has already become a clone of his supposed one and only love now (very credible, yes).

Only Bea, Gee-Ann or Mickey could win. The rest could burn in hell especially the effing lovefucks.

pray for me

2007-06-16T21:52:00.000+08:00

All kinds of hell ang sinagupa, sinasagupa at sasagupain ko.

pweh

2007-06-11T22:26:00.000+08:00

kaya nga ayaw ko ng ganito eh. each and everyday, dinaragdagan at dinaragdagan mo ang mga katarantaduhan mo. Akala mo kasi hindi nakakaasar at nakakasira ng buhay yang ginagawa mo. Pwes, demonyo, para malaman at sakaling maintindihan ng makitid mong kukote at mahina mong sensitivity ang epekto ng kademonyohan na ginagawa mo. Sobrang-sobrang-sobra ka na eh. Kita mo, ikaw na binibigyan ng pagkakataon, ikaw pa may ganang mang-abuso. Naknampusa naman o, you're just confirming how much of an asshole you are.

bumabalik na naman ang grr

2007-06-09T00:23:00.000+08:00

Yeah, people have a hard time erasing such bad habits. Still an asshole and still hasn't changed. And people ask why I seem to not forgive you? Why? 'Cause you don't deserve it a single bit. You never actually seem to care about all the things that have happened, all the horrors you caused me. And that's why I cannot and possibly never forgive you. Yes, it'll burdensome for me to carry this pain on but it's more burdensome for me to forgive someone who does not deserve to be forgiven. And that's you. one and only devil asshole you.

How can one fix something when one doesn't even try to fix it? Or even try to try to fix it? Magic cannot do anything, asshole.

simpler the better?

2007-06-07T23:43:00.000+08:00

In fairness, nabubulabog ng philo ang buhay ko. haha. Not because of the super whatever greek terms but because of the life questions, rants and applications I've had recently. And I must say it's all good 'cause I really got to analyze how I've fared in this search for the logos or whatever it may be that I should be searching. haha.

Ewan, minsan may tendency din ako na 'di masyadong mabilib sa mga pinagsasabi ng mga philosophers. Kapal ko noh. haha. Yes I respect them but sometimes, ewan, parang masyado kasing malalim eh. I mean why can't they tell all of these stuff in a more comprehensible level? Hindi ba isa sa mga layunin ng pilosopiya ay para kahit papaano matulungan mo ang ibang makita rin ang logos? Pero paano mo makikita ang logos kung simula pa lang, napakahirap nang intindihin ang mga pinagsasabi nila? Hindi ba dapat kaibigan sila na nagtuturo at hindi nagpapagulo? Haha. Ay ewan, I might just be ranting 'cause I'm one of those who want to understand everything. Ewan, basta ayoko magmukhang so full of himself na may alam na sa philosophy. Afterall, pinakamarunong ang siyang tanggap na siya'y tanga.

Pero seryoso. Laging mas namamangha tayo sa mga kwentong siksik na siksik sa mga nangyari at naglalaman ng mga kumplikadong kung anu-ano pero mas may natututunan ba tayo rito? Hindi ba kayang ipaliwanag at ipahiwatig ang mga bagay sa pinakasimpleng mga paraan lamang? Simpler the better? Mas dadali ang lahat kasi kung ganoon hindi ba?

everybody's favorite little prince quote

2007-05-30T22:45:00.000+08:00

For the second straight year, I've strangely won the MOST FUNNIEST 4TH YEAR TUTOR award. Weird 'cause I never really consider myself as funniest, heck even funny. haha. But twist of fate, and I won so yay for me!

Haay, ang sarap talaga magvolunteer for ANI and Pathways. Kahit papaano, napamahal na rin sa'kin ang 4A. Being more active this time around, I've mingled with my kids more and shared much more experiences with them. Also, aside from my 4A class, I've bonded with my NSTP CIS and CHS kids. Cool nga eh 'cause they still greet and chat with me some time especially Roselle who I'm indebted to for her interview in our theo presentation. I'm actually quite sad 'cause ANI is ending and it seems that I won't be able to teach CL next year. Haay, ANI. But I'll try my best to be active in this volunteer kind of work 'cause it's super fun and this is where my heart belongs. I feel so light and satisfied every time I'm done teaching. It's just fun!

What is essential is invisible to the eye. ANI provides a proof of that especially being immersed in such a academically-driven environment.

ANI is HOME. ANI is LOVE.

non-variance and happy things

2007-05-25T20:22:00.000+08:00

Shakey's service ANYWHERE sucks so much. I mean I ordered pepperoni pizza to take out from Shakey's Marquinton around 430pm. When I got home, I slept so I didn't have time to check the pizza and all. I woke up around 7pm and lo and behold, pizza hasn't been touched. haha. My cousin and my brother didn't want to eat the pizza yet 'cause they were waiting for our lola to come. (which by the way is later pa!) So I was the one who got to open the box and I was shocked when I opened it. It wasn't pepperoni at all! It was a half-half combo of manager's choice and hawaiian. Argh stupid shakey's people! So I called up their delivery hotline and they transferred me to the branch itself. Good thing they offered to change the pizza. Ayaw pa nga nung una eh cause the girl asked me kung ayaw ko ba yung flavor. Of course, ayoko diba! Kaya nga pepperoni yung inorder ko eh 'di ba? So buti na lang they came really fast. As in even faster than them serving me kanina which was about 5 minutes longer than their 20 minute promise. So there, 'cause of their blunder, we enjoyed hot pepperoni pizza even if I bought it like 3 hours ago! haha

But lesson learned. Never ever trust that Shakey's service varies for most branches' service quality do suck.

In other news, summer classes FOR OTHERS have ended. Now we're the only ones stuck inside the Ateneo campus. Oh well, for two weeks lang naman. Buti na nga rin na wala kaming marketing next week 'cause Ma'am is on a cruise. Well, work still is upon us as we have to pass 4 parts on June 5. So this will be a long one and a half weeks. Good luck to me.

Still in other news, I'm so excited to volunteer for Pathways! Yay! We're the ones handling things this year so it's all going to be so different from last year! We'll definitely going to try to improve the Pathways system and structure so that it'll be more volunteer friendly and efficient. Oooh, so excited!

By the way, my head has been hurting past few days. Argh hate headaches. Potentially, this one traces back its roots to that fateful day some ass punched me in this side of my head. Ugh hate you.

Ending on a good note, God is soooo good. haha. Akala ko wala nang chance iyon pala last day = yay day! haha. Buti na lang I retyped our survey. :p

the haunting

2007-05-14T21:56:00.000+08:00

50 entries yet not even 5 comments. Haay. It seems nobody really cares about my thoughts and my life anymore. Poor me. Nagsawa na siguro sila sa kakangawa ko tungkol sa buhay ko. haha.

Belated Happy Mother's Day Mom! and Happy Birthday Dad! Hope you're enjoying there in Dubai. See you in June.

Work as usual. Haay I really hope summer mode rubs off off me already so I can really work hard na. haha. tamaditis-infected pa rin eh.

Haay. I've finally rooted you out of my life but why have you been haunting my dreams lately. Ugh. You're really such a dilemma I can't stop dealing with.

stupid numbers

2007-05-12T16:34:00.000+08:00

what is essential is invisible to the eye

screw the people who too much pin somebody's worth with the numbers he makes for himself.

people who set their goals on numbers...are stupid.

(fyi: rodgz's version goes, people who set their goals are stupid. haha)

philo confirmations

2007-05-10T21:09:00.000+08:00

Here are some realizations which have been confirmed by my philosophy class over the past week. Asteeg, ganoon pala talaga iyon. Am I on my way to Sophon then? Haha. Anyway, it's a personal journey for me and I'm glad that I've already picked up some lessons to take note of and think about.

Tulad ng tunay ngang nakatatakot ang walang panghawakan sa mundong ito sapagkat mangangahulugan ito ng walang katiyakan sa ating hinaharap. Kung kaya't kakapit na lamang tayo sa kung anumang maaaring makapitan kahit na alam nating ilusyon lamang ito o mananatili itong ganito lamang.

Isa pa ang maaaring hindi pagiging thing of the past ng isang thing of the past dahil kahit anong gawin mo, naroroon at naroroon pa rin ang kung anumang damdamin kahit na anong mangyari lalo na't kung napakalaking impact ang nagawa nito sa iyong buhay.

haha philo mode daw. well, nakatutulong nga kung marami ka nang napagdaanan. anyway, more entries about philo to come too!

intangible assets

2007-05-08T22:26:00.000+08:00

Lately, I've been very busy but happy and I like it better this way. Gone are the days when I'd bum and feel miserable about my life. Haay ANI helps me so much as a person. There's this sense of fulfillment I get every time I traverse the 4A warzone. haha. But it's cool. Kids are always nice and they appreciate you for who you are. Not like in other areas where no matter how hard and desperate you try, you seem to be always nothing to them. I like ANI 'cause they make me feel special and loved. And the feeling I get from teaching definitely ranks high on my list. I've realized how concretely helping out others seem to be the way of life I'm trying to live out. I mean, honestly, I'm just in my course since I really want to give back my parents the luxury they deserve. After that, I know I'll be doing these kind of stuff and I'm not worrying if like I don't get any money. Cliche as it may sound, do you really need money when you face the higher being? Would how much assets you've accumulated over your life matter then? I doubt.

But the simple little good things you've done. They're the ones that will matter. And they are the ones that wouldn't fade.

Yeah yeah i sound like a theo preacher but what the heck. I'm teaching CL so that might be a factor. haha.

my own postsecret sunday # 1

2007-05-06T00:09:00.000+08:00

Once out of depression, I locked up in the bathroom and soaked myself by lying down on the floor while pouring water on myself. Everyone was asleep so they didn't know I was there. After around an hour, I went out and just lied down on the floor to dry. I proceeded to my bed afterwards and finally put myself to sleep. The next day, nobody knew what happened to me the night before.

oh the wonders of being depressed! haha.

i'll be doing this once in a while so keep in touch.

malalaman mo rin

2007-05-04T20:56:00.000+08:00

A taste of heaven, a taste of hell
Oh how fun is the hall called Bel

I think having early Saturday morning classes is going to work for me since I can do something relevant on a Saturday. Having nothing to do would have me wake up around noon and it also goes for having Law classes last semester. I guess I should see having Fin103 from 8-10 as a blessing in disguise since I can be productive on a Saturday! Or is it just trying to sugarcoat things so that it won't be too hassle as it looks. Ay ewan haha. Basta I know that I SHOULD wake up early tomorrow.

The danger of being too used to being on top is that one little bump shakes a person so much. OK lang na hindi natin maintindihan. Hindi natin kayang alamin ang lahat. May hangganan ang ating mga utak. Huwag tayong magpaka-perpekto.

Mas matindi ka nga sigurong lalagapak sa lupa. baka umabot ka pang impyerno.

i'm just sad. bow.

2007-04-30T22:47:00.000+08:00

kung kailan akala mong makikita mo nang muli ang liwanag, tsaka mo pa malalamang naupos na ang kandila.

at nasa dilim ka na lang uli.

haay buhaay

arouch

2007-04-28T18:00:00.000+08:00

JTA Semester is killing me. Waaaaah. And to think I was late by 40 minutes for my Finance class today since I didn't wake up. Haay, why is it too hard for me to wake up so early and easily? Why do I always have to suffer from being late? But whining won't get me far so I'll just start change and step-up so I'd survive this. 11 weeks na lang, Bonjour Paris na! haha

Just a situation to think about. Mahal ka niya hindi dahil mahal ka niya kundi dahil mahal niya ang alaala ng taong minahal niya noon na ipinaaalala mo sa kanya. Sakit 'diba? Haha wala lang some thought just popped in my head after many hours of being idle in Ateneo.

Pero paano nga kaya 'no?

start some change now

2007-04-19T19:49:00.000+08:00

Wow what a day can do. Yesterday, i was ranting about how I'm lacking extra-curricular activities and then boom! I have lots of things to do in my hands. Yay! At least, I won't feel as useless and pathetic as I felt yesterday. But that's just the easy part of it all as I have to fulfill all the tasks that will be assigned to me. And that's kinda shady right now. With the work experience I had last year, it seems that I might be having a hard time fulfilling all my duties. Tamaditis-stricken kasi eh. haha. But I promise and hope to change that. After all, I guess, I've found the organization which would motivate me and help me grow so much as a person.

It seems that some people think that they really cannot do anything now as mere students to change the world. I mean, they'll say that they need to wait and have money before they can actually help people. They want to graduate first and earn much before they could actually help. I mean it's some noble reason but here's a thought to ponder on. Could that money you earn in the future save somebody really needing help from today? Aanhin mo pa nga ang damo diba kung patay na ang kabayo?

The problem with today is that we belittle ourselves to having no capacity of sparking some change. We always think that people who have the capacity to change the world are those sitting atop political and social structures. But we're wrong. We have the power now. We just have to look around and take advantage of the opportunities surrounding us. As college students and future bigwigs of the country, we are encouraged to start sparking change in our small way now so that when our turn to lead comes, the spark has already blossomed into fire.

motivation

2007-04-18T20:18:00.000+08:00

I got my schedule for my JTA 1st semester last Monday. It's kinda OK for me except that I'll be having my first evening class every Monday and I'll still be having Saturday classes. Ugh. But I'll only have 2 hours on Saturdays as compared to the 3 I had last semester so I hope I could handle this better. The subjects I'll be taking this semester aren't to be taken lightly as Brian informed me that these might be the hardest of my junior and senior year subjects. So I should really step it up now or else all of my efforts in the last year may just be wasted. Oh I hope I still survive...

The other thing bothering me lately is my lack of extra-curriculars. I mean, yeah, I do have some involvement in stuff but I believe it's not enough. Ugh I hate realizing the importance of extra-curriculars only recently since these are important for my future. I hope I can find some decent organization where I'd be motivated properly to be involved and excel in its endeavors. I think I'm already over the phase in my life which hindered me from being involved with more important stuff and I'm ready to get all involved once again. Let me channel my old self and get involved in organizations once again!

I talked to Samboy about extra-curriculars and the main problem I pointed out was my lack of motivation. I know it's wrong for me to blame the endeavors I'm joining for the lack of effort but for me, it does indeed play a role in my perseverance. I told him that if I do believe in the efforts of a project, I really do put effort in its activities. Take for example Pathways which I did not miss last semester since I really believed in its endeavors. Just like in ANI this summer where I rejoiced last Monday since I found out that I won't be missing any classes due to my class schedule. So what's the problem then? Why don't I have that much of motivation?

Maybe in my case, it really boils down to believing in the fulfillment and goals of the project. For if I believe something is worthwhile, then I put much effort in its activities. So my task now would be to find an organization which would make me believe that my time there will be worth it. And I pray that I'll find something soon since I badly want to work for something worthwhile.

it has nothing to do with the past

2007-04-17T00:21:00.000+08:00

The truth really really really hurts.

Ugh. life sucks. When will I ever learn???

note: reward yourself

2007-04-12T21:28:00.000+08:00

Well, I so love today since I started the day so well. I got my grades and the thing which pumped me up so much was that I got a B in Accounting! Yeah, I know it's a B but Accounting is Accounting and the thin line between B and C+ dictates probation or no probation. So hallelujah I got a B since I won't be feeling the added pressure of having to always get a B. There's still that much needed breathing room and I thank God and the ever fantabulous and wonderful Dr. Ven Ibarra for that! May God always shower her with blessings! Well, I got a little disappointed with my Portuguese grade since it was the one I was most confident about that I'm going to ace it but no! B+ lang. Waah. But I just looked at it this way. It's better to have this scenario than having an A in Portuguese and a C+ in Accounting. Probe naman na ako nito noh. So it's really better to settle for the B+ and B scenario. Yay.

Oh my God you're so kaka. haha. I love you talaga! Iniwas mo ako na makakita ng ugly sight and you let me glimpse upon something I badly wanted. Even for just five seconds, I still tasted heaven. Haha. Grabe tumigil ang mundo ko at napatext agad kay Bamboy eh. Kaya nga I'd be a more artsy person this year eh. Diba Samboy? hehehe. As if that biatch reads this blog.

Well, after so much hulabaloo, we're going to Galera tomorrow since Monch and I don't have reg and Martin and Andrew don't have summer classes. Actually, we almost did not push through but we finally decided to go on with the plan and buy ourselves some time of relaxation. This is especially important for me since it serves as a reward for my grade and rest for the upcoming tumultuous JTA semester. Tama ba namang sabihin ni Brian that third and fourth years are easier except for three subjects. And coincidentally, those three subjects lang naman are part of my load for the next semester. So what does that mean for me? Patayan blues once again. Oh my, I want to work harder this time around so that the trip to France would be much more sweeter! After pain and suffering comes triumph and satisfaction nga diba?

Well, one lesson I might have learned over time is that you should reward yourself for a job well done from time to time. I mean even though the satisfaction you'd get seems very superficial and temporary, you're still giving yourself much needed glorification and rest. Rewarding yourself doesn't necessarily have to follow such a huge endeavor. It could be a simple test or chore or whatever. The important thing is that you give yourself some token of appreciation for getting over the things we need to tackle. Rewards keep us sane and keep us motivated. It aids us in going through the dizzying trials of life and keeps us ready for anything ahead. Of course, let us not let motivation strangle us so much that we're only doing things for the rewards they give. Ain't moderation the key?

So the next time you come from such harsh endeavors, don't forget to treat yourself to something that would satisfy your sole. You'll never know but if you keep on straining yourself, you might drain all of your energy and not enjoy the reward as much as you could've if you kept it at a more bearable pace.

don't you want some variety?

2007-04-12T04:14:00.000+08:00

What can a late afternoon nap coupled with caramel affogato cause you? Insomnia attack at a time you need sleep for the next day. Wow, I can't believe I'm pushing myself not to sleep tonight even though I need some rest. Well, based on my experience, it is actually better for me now to just wait for the sun to shine and go to school early rather than sleep. I have this tendency to oversleep and not be bothered much by alarm clocks so if I sleep tonight...impending disaster. haha. But I should learn on how to wake up to the wonderful ringing of my alarm clock since nobody's going to be waking me up once I'm abroad. It's all going to be me then and I don't want to screw up because I couldn't wake up on time. Ugh, why do I suffer from not being able to sleep at a short time and not waking up instantly? Why can't I switch those two around so that my sleeping and waking habits be so much better, right?

Oh I hate not catching sleep. It wrecks my body clock and obliges me to double my sleeping time for the next day. It's really hard to break something already established in your life since you need some adjustment and some moving after the discrepancy happens. Haha and I'm saying this thinking that I broke my academic year by joining the Junior Term Abroad program. One reason I could not sleep was that I was calculating how much I am obliged to overload in my fourth year. I surely don't want to have a fifth year so I'm praying that my calendar has already been fixed and that I'll graduate on March 2009. Ayayay, schedules...

Adapting to such new schedules, schemes and routines most of the time gets troublesome and tiring. I mean wouldn't you want to just stick to one routine for the rest of like school? Sometimes, it even gets more complicated that since you're stuck with your old routine, you always find it hard to catch up with your new one. Wouldn't it be better to always stick to one since you're body clock has already fully adjusted to it and it'll be such a breeze for you through the day knowing nothing has changed? But then again it would be so monotonous and boring that the only thing that hinders us from appearing as robots is that we don't have tin shells just as those robots have.

Given the choice between monotony and adaptation, I guess the latter is the better choice. Yes, monotony seems easier to deal with but you'll miss one of the essences of life that is variety. Adaptation deems more challenging for a short span of time but when you've gotten used to your new routine, it gratifies you much more than sticking to an old one. You've learned a new routine and you've gained much more lessons along the way instead of being sheltered by sticking to what you've always had.

So don't be afraid of change since it always brings something good to your life. At first, some events might seem to bring just nasty things but along the way, you'd realize that it gave you something worthwhile someway and somehow. At least, by engaging in and conquering new things, you experience the variety that life brings. You grow into a better person. A person you would be missing out if you stuck to your status quo.

chasing dreams

2007-04-11T19:57:00.000+08:00

I'm going to get my card tomorrow and I'm hoping that I get the grades that I want although I'm OK if ever my professors give me something lower since that's the way they deem my performance for the semester. Ayayay, I just realized that I only have a week and a half to go before my first JTA semester. I'm sure it'll be one hell of a semester once again since Management subjects will come pouring in already. Oh I hope I still survive. Pray for me, guys and gals.

As usual, I visited my old tabulas blog which is chockful of wonderful entries I made around two years ago. Medyo natawa nga ako with one entry since it was about dreams and all. How come I didn't read that through my ordeal para I realized how low and dumb I got through those times. Haha. Anyway, as another entry goes, there's nothing better to do than to move on. And as usual, after reading some entries, I hope I get that same creative thoughts coming in. Go go go blogspot blog!

Speaking of dreams, I realized how dreams aren't as simply put as they are. One mustn't confuse realizable ones from those which will remain as dreams only. Some dreams, they really do come true if you work hard for them while some just won't be given to you even if you do everything you can. Simply put, some dreams are attainable while others are not. And we should always have a clear distinction which is which. For if we get confused, then we might find ourselves trying hard for something which is impossible to get or simply letting go of a dream which we can easily fulfill. Dreams, they motivate us much but we should be aware of their nature.

But sometimes, by some magical twist of fate, seemingly impossible dreams get realized. Yeah, fairy tales do happen and some live in the dream they thought they'd never realize. And these little stories should motivate us to also try for some seemingly impossible dreams to work out for we never know that it could actually come true. Again, sayang naman kung matutupad pala sana tapos hindi mo tinangkang kunin.

Some fairy tales come true and I'm hoping sometime soon, another one would come my way. =p

holy week and deadly sins

2007-04-10T13:49:00.000+08:00

Just got home from last night. haha. Slept over at Sam's since we finished around 2am. Marc, Sam and I commuted to Cookie's and it was an experience for me especially the lady who was blatantly arguing with the driver's assistant regarding the fare. Haha right back at you devious fare-cheaters! Arrived at Cookie's around an hour later and found out that she hadn't ordered food. So Marc and I just continued the Holy Week sacrifice and ate rice with just sabaw ng sinigang. How pitiful noh? haha. Anyway, pizza arrived before Macky as usual and Ralf came in around an hour later. Watched TV, Chitchat, played cards, asked my fortune from Macky and the spirit of the cards. Usual bumming. Haha. Arrived at Sam's home around 230 and stayed awake since the beych had something to do pa. So we slept around four after i watched something cool and yummy! haha. What a word to describe watching a video. Hayayay. When will i ever learn?

Anyway, I think i should concentrate more on the Bicol trip I had with the family. As evident with my multiply account, I got into my usual camwhoring mode and snapped shots like hell with my cousins. Didn't stay long under the sun and swam though since I really didn't want to get darker. (walang hihirit! oo na di na ako kaputian haha) You should try swimming in this pool in Bicol where the water is super duper cold. As in! I only lasted five minutes in it. Pero grabe my cousins, they lasted for hours. Haha. Well, iba talaga pag sensitive skin. hihi. Being the good boy that I am, I was the only one who got up at 3am for the salubong. It was like any other salubong I've watched before though. And the design of the place was better last year. Nakakagulat lang talaga since like every town in Bicol had that same structure eh I've never seen one here in Manila. Wala lang Oh well. Oh yeah, I really don't want to hear the song Smack That by Akon ever again. It was played like a million times in the van and my ears were close to bleeding from it! Seriously, I'll kill anyone who dare play that song! Haha. Anyhoo, Bicol, as usual, was fun!

Of course, Holy Week is reflecting time and I've reflected on my life especially the past year and a half which has been the most tumultuous ever. I'm glad it's nearing its end already since I never ever want to go through anything like that again. Just eats up a lot of your time and wastes your life so much. Hay if only I could learn it in an easier manner.

Thing is, I'm still on the search for my own resurrection. I know I'm getting there by taking one day at a time and taking away from my mind every little nightmare that has happened to me. I'm sure though that I'm not ready to forgive and forget since I don't see the logic and point in doing that. And that's coming from a person who doesn't really get angry at a person unless he or she does something so grave. And that was worse than any possible thing that could happen to me. That was the worst.

Anyway, I do hope that the coming months would spark more change inside me and that finally, finally, I'll be happier and better than the person I have been the past few months.

ULTIMATE ASSHOLE

2007-04-04T19:31:00.000+08:00

Grabe talaga kapag demonyo ang kausap mo. Usapan niyo mag-uusap kayo ng gabi. Darating siya ng ala una ng umaga na tapos tutulugan ka pa ng alas dos. And to think na naligo pa in between noon. Grabe, hindi man lang inisip iyong pinaghintay mo mula gabi before that eh ikaw mismo antok na antok ka na rin.

Tapos kanina sasabihing be right back tapos hindi na bumalik. As usual, parang tanga ka na namang maghihintay tapos hindi talaga darating. Kapag itext mo naman hindi man lang magrereply. Grabe talaga ang kapal ng mukha nitong demonyong 'to.

Akala mo naman kasi siya lang 'yung may karapatan sa oras. Hoy tanga, may oras din kaya akong sinusunod. Ang kapal kasi ng mukha mo e. Grabe, sana talaga mamatay ka na. Kasi 'yun lang 'yung gusto kong mangyari ngayon.

MAMATAY KA NA AT BUMALIK SA IMPYERNONG PINANGGALINGAN MO!!!!

red at five

2007-04-03T23:12:00.000+08:00

I just had so much fun today. That's all. Bow. Haha. Well, Macky's sports day was so fun! I got to play with friends once again and I even saw Mike, Miggy, Cheska and Ice again after such a long time. Well, after playing, some people decided to drink at guess what...430 in the afternoon! So napasubo naman ako and i took some shots. Since hindi ako sanay ng dire-diretso at matagal na akong hindi nakainom, namula na naman ako ng todo kanina. Haha buti nalang nagcommute ako pauwi since I had to fix myself up or people would easily notice my not-so-wonderful state. But no, when i got home, my cousins easily detected my alcohol intake and i warned them not tell anyone. Haha. Of course, they followed me. Buti na lang din pala, their mom arrived and she treated us to dinner! I really had to fix up since it would be totally embarrassing to act foolishly in front of her. So there, nawala na after dinner ang sakit ng ulo! Whattaexperience!

Haay it's that same old feeling again of creative juices squeezed out to the drop. Ugh, I blame academics for this creative brain cell overkill! Now, all I do with my blog is to rant and narrate what has been happening in my life. And I don't want that. Well, kinda minimal lang but I so desire to bring back my golden days when I'd put up something decent. Oh my, oh my. Well, I hope tomorrow's trip to Bicol would help me reflect much on life.

keep it to yourselves

2007-04-02T13:30:00.000+08:00

At long last, summer! Although I've had my summer when everyone has already gone to places to chill and relax already. Grabehan ang law eh, hanggang sabado ba naman! Anyway, I'm just thankful that it's that giggly feeling of worrying about nothing again. I really want to just bum around this April as the 23rd would mean back to school once again. Hayayay. But it's ok since I'll end in July and then it'll be FFFRANCE for me! haha.

I'm planning on writing some short-story this summer. I hope I actually accomplish it and come up with some respectable stuff. When it comes to writing, I'm weaker when it comes to delivery than thought. It's more of having some good plot but I just cannot express it with beautiful words. Oh I hope I could pull this off.

chitchatchitchatdevilchitchatchitchatdevildevildevilchitchatchitchatdevildevildevildevildevilchitchatdevil

Ugh. Seriously, I'm sick and tired of having to put up with people talking about the devil when I'm around. It's like there's all there is to me sometimes since the topic always centers upon the effing asshole. Yes, it is OK for me for you to talk about the devil but can't you do that like some other place or at some other time? It's still hard for me since there's this anger which boils inside me every time I hear something about the devil. Nothing is OK between us and the traumatic experience I've gone through still haunts me till now. So please? Can we not talk about nasty stuff when I'm around?

nakakatawa nga naman

2007-03-30T11:59:00.000+08:00

Nakakatawa nga naman o. You're so predictable. Alam na alam ko na mga gagawin mo kaya nga hindi ko na sinusubukang maayos ang lahat kasi alam kong hindi maaayos 'to base sa kung paano mo hinaharap ang lahat ng nangyari. Takas ka lang kasi ng takas. Akala mo naman naaayos na pero maling-mali ang logic mo. You just worsen the situation more and more. Kaya nga it's irreparable na eh. 'Cause you never really want to fix it or if you do, you want it to be fixed easily which isn't going to be the case. Sorry, effin devil.

Nakakatawa nga rin naman o. No offense to the person who told me yesterday na OK lang na pagdaanan niya lahat ng pinagdaanan ko for those few effed up months but I'd rather not go through everything I've gone through. Yes I am a better person now but I could've learned without going through so much suffering at the hands of the devil. Kaya nga worst mistake eh. haha. So kung pwede nga, why not? I'd gladly trade anything just to get that nightmare out of my life.

Natatawa na lang talaga ako sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko. Wala nang ibang magawa kundi tumawa eh. Natatak na siguro sa kukote ko na walang mangyayari kung iiyak-iyak at papatay-patay ka. Tawanan mo na lang ang problema at subukang lutasin ito nang may ngiti.

Parang sa demonyo. Tawanan na lang at sabihing, "Ingat ka. Tanga ka pa naman." =p

hoping

2007-03-29T00:25:00.000+08:00

It feels so good to not think about devil-induced miseries anymore.

Finally, I'm on recovery.

I hope.

fffrance

2007-03-22T01:49:00.000+08:00

I'm going to live in France! Sorry, Macau. Haha good day today except for some seconds when some nasty lump of shit crossed my eyes. Effin' eeewwwwwwww. Vou para Paris no Setembro!

And before I forget...

Oh yes, darling, I've always been the better person. And we both know that.

shoutout

2007-03-15T22:26:00.000+08:00

YOU are the WORST mistake I've ever had.

never

2007-03-13T22:58:00.000+08:00

I will never forgive you. Never waste my time again.

About different endings

2007-03-12T21:53:00.000+08:00

Yeeesssss! Rob and Amber had just been eliminated in TAR:AS and what's more satisfying than that is that Charla and Mirna were the ones who beat them out the last minute. Love it, love it love it! Karma was just a bizzle for them for lying and taunting the crazy cousins that they were eliminated at the cousins' expense. Hahaha. Who's laughing now?!? Oh, another thing about the Amazing Race. The Philippines has twice created huge problems for alpha teams. Colin with his broken ox in TAR 5 and Rob with his intelligently spelled Phillipeans. Just shows how the country owns them all racers!

I am so looking forward to the end of the semester. I'm technically done by next Wednesday (without counting Law though) but I have to submit an album for Portuguese on next Friday. I really wish that it's already the 31st of March so that I'll be all done and ready to go for some weeks vacation. Buti naman, we're starting a week later than summer classes. We'll be starting out on the third week of APril but it'll all be hell from then on. Oh God, I hope I could teach my ANI kids pa rin.

I watched Brian's PE finals today and I just realized how I've devoted so less of the time for other activities. I haven't played volleyball in ages and I'm guessing that when I play, I'll be so rusty and amateur. Because I'm so much a nerd, I've forgotten to devote some time for physical leisure and I hope that's something I could change over the next few months especially that summer is approaching.

I just have a question though, how can you forgive someone who continues to make you miserable? It's illogical and stupid, right? 'Cause you're just telling that person to go on and make you worse. Well, that shouldn't be the case.

change the world now or later?

2007-03-11T23:31:00.000+08:00

Activities for the semester are really coming to an end. I've received two certificates of appreciation/participation yesterday with two projects I volunteered to be part with this past semester. I also got excited for ANI this coming summer where I'll be teaching senior high school students. I'm going to teach Christian Living siyempre banal ako e haha and the section I'll be handling is the honors class. Yay! At least, I know these kids would really be into the subject since they're cream of the crop. Actually, I'm thinking of preparing well for the summer classes since I love teaching ANI. Oh, I hope JTA schedule does not get in the way or else, it'll be hard for me to let go of handling the honors class. :(

Past week, I've been through sessions regarding our purposes in life. Since most of the talks I went through are those of the social development kind, speakers talked about what we can do with the society. I remember that one of the speakers asked us what we can do for the country. Many said that they'd study well first since after that, they'll have the potential to be successful and therefore, have more power to help the needy. The thought got me thinking 'cause yes it's a decent thing to say but what can that money that you earn in the future do when the person you should have helped died years before you actually reached out? I mean what'll be the purpose of helping if many of the supposed people you should have helped have gone out already? Wouldn't that be more appalling?

Well, the thing that I'm saying here is that it's better to start early in helping others rather than waiting on till you've become successful enough. We can actually do something now in helping the least of our brethren. We should not be hindered by the fact that we are financially incapable yet of creating change in the lives of many. But we don't have to create that much of a change yet. We just need to start creating change to ensure that more people will be helped in time. What do you think would be more effective for a child. One wherein you hone them through their education years and help them develop to their full potential or one wherein the child is already in prison and the only help you could give is financial need? Wouldn't it create more impact and satisfaction if we start changing the world now little by little rather than having it later with one big shebang?

The task is daunting but the rewards would be better if we start early rather than late.

MSKM lessons on forgiveness and revenge

2007-03-07T21:19:00.000+08:00

It's good that schoolwork is on a decline already. I've already passed my hell weeks for the semester and hopefully the final few weeks won't be much of a problem for me. Although my exam schedule is kinda not looking good since Law finals will still be on March 31. Wow. Sagaran blues talaga. Anyway, I really cannot do anything about that but at least I'll be resting before my exams start.

In television news, Maging Sino Ka Man has just gotten way more intense. Over the past three days, I've seen a guy shot, falling down the stairs, spat on the face of somebody else and beaten black and blue. Intense-an talaga! I got hooked on it again 'cause of those actually. For me, the series is a cut above the rest of Filipino primetime since the plot isn't as predictable as other shows of the same genre and the characters have depth as contrary to the black and white stereotyped kind of characters. Way to go, MSKM!

I guess the recurring themes in the series nowadays are forgiveness and revenge. It's the tension between these two terms that influences much of the characters in the series. Would Eli forgive and forget the demonic acts Fidel did to his brother and father or will he seek revenge through making Jackie's life miserable? Will Mang Oca forgive Fidel too or will he puppet Eli to destroy him? These are the questions waiting to be answered and viewers are constantly on a see-saw on whether forgiveness or revenge will triumph. Let's wait and see...

With this, I've realized how I handle forgiveness and revenge. I forgive deserving people and punish who don't deserve forgiveness. I mean I know that I should be forgiving but how can you forgive somebody who doesn't even ask for it and continues to ruin you? I'm more of a believer in justice rather than in forgiveness. I believe that if that person doesn't do you any good anytime then there's no reason for you to forgive him. Of course, after a long time, things may be forgotten but that I need a long time to do so.

"Kung lahat ng taong nagkakasala sa'yo pinatatawad mo, wala kang pinagkaiba sa basahan. Lahat ng dumi kaya mong tiisin." - Mang Oca, MSKM

Hindi ako basahan. Tandaan mo 'yan.

pineapple juice and university decisions

2007-03-04T20:20:00.000+08:00

Well, nothing has changed with my stomach problem the past day. Aside from having fever scares by feeling so cold even though it's just 1pm, nothing much has changed with me. Though I might have found the solution to ease me with my stomach pains. Pineapple juice! Yay! When I downed one and a half glasses of it dinner time, the pain ceded so I do hope the juice did work some magic over my pain.

Actually, this painful predicament of mine has already taught me a lot of things especially regarding my dietary habits. Of course completely abstaining from chocolates and coffee would be impossible for me but at least now, I guess I can manage to tone my choco-eating down. Although, I'm still mighty craving for chocolate right now! But the dietary awakening isn't limited to chocolates only, it also extends to drinking more fruit juices rather than soft drinks. I guess I might join the little soft drink bandwagon already since it will be so much better that way. Since I've become more sensitive with the things I eat, I guess I'd be more careful with my diet right now and start eating healthy stuff from now on rather than the junk I've splurged on since before.

I've realized I haven't written about my JTA decision. Well, I opted for Macao over France since I feel that it would benefit me more. The major thing I actually considered was the financial aspect of the decision. Frankly, we're not rich so it would be more burdensome if I opted for France over Macao. Actually, my dad said OK with France already but he's just going to loan it. I don't want my father working the extra mile pa since being away from us is already difficult for him. What made me choose Macao actually was its Portuguese heritage. haha portuguese talaga! Boa ideia! Sim? I just love the Portuguese culture now and I'm sure that I'll be gushing over it when I get there in September. Senhor Capili informed me that though people generally speak Cantonese already, Portuguese is still spoken inside the University so I might just enhance on my Portuguese skills right now. Ooh, another thing to add to my pro-Macao list will be shopping! Brian said it's cheap there so I think I'll really be so in love with the place. Yay! I'm so excited already!

In other news, Ralf informed me about this:

our new schoolmate

cool huh? Hahaha :)

stomach pain temptations

2007-03-03T20:13:00.000+08:00

A lot has happened over the past week but it all revolves around one major thing, my stomach aches. Well, it started last Wednesday 'cause I didn't eat lunch. So there, when I woke up in the evening, my stomach was aching terribly already and it didn't let me sleep the whole night. I had to skip my Thursday classes since I went to the doctor for a check-up. She said it maybe due to hyper acidity and that I have to be on medication and stay away from so many stuff that I like! God, no chocolate, coffee and tea for me the next week! I actually realized that those three comprise much of my diet nowadays. No wonder I'm experiencing stomach pains right now. Boo-hoo. So the pain hasn't ceased yet and I had to go through Friday and Saturday with much pain. I even had to cut NSTP 'cause my headache was too intolerable. I actually don't know how I'd get better now 'cause sometimes I feel lick I'm going to have fever while sometimes, I feel so hot! It's such a crazed rollercoaster of finding my comfort zone this battle with stomach pains. I hope I already get through this 'cause I'm really having such a hard time.

Well, since I have extra time nowadays 'cause I don't have much to do, I watched ANTM 8 on youtube! Yay! I watched the entirety of Cycle 7 on youtube and of course, that'll be the case for this new cycle. Right now, I don't have a favorite yet as nobody has stood out yet. Especially the black girls who seem to have no distinctive characteristic from each other. Oh well, I still have lots of episodes to pick my favorite and I hope I enjoy this season as much as I enjoyed the last one.

Sometimes, it's really hard to live out of your comfort zone. I thought I could fathom this being away from my chocolates and coffee but every minute, the craving just gets worse and worse. Ooh God, this is so much harder than being actually away from something 'cause then you'd not think about it after a while and you'd get used to it. But in my situation right now, it's too hard 'cause the things which I cannot have are actually right in front of me. The temptation is just too strong with this set-up! God, help me to cope up with this 'cause I'm going crazy over not having chocolates and coffee!!!

Pain, pain, go away, never come again any other day. Little Tantan wants some choco, pain, pain go away!

JTA troubles

2007-02-26T22:30:00.000+08:00

It's ovaaah! Even though I got somewhat sick today, I'm still so glad that the hell weekend is over. At least for the rest of the week, I don't really have to worry that much about academic requirements. Thank God 'cause I've been drowning in them since like the start of the year. This is the first week actually that I don't have so much to do for school. Relaxation galore for me! Yipeedoo!

I'm actually in the process of picking my school for JTA. I really don't know what to do right now. It wouldn't have been this hard if the two choices I have don't have certain perks and privileges I'd love to indulge in. Well, I'm actually leaning for Macao now 'cause it's cheaper and I'll have the chance to learn more Portuguese! Sim, boa ideia! But France is France and it'll mean that I'm going to live in Europe for sometime. That's actually so fun for me! And I'm going to see the Arc and the Tower Paris is famous for. Ayayay, I cannot decide. Pero panalo talaga ang advice ng mom ko. Spend the first months in France then the final ones in Macao. haha parang hindi problema ang pera ano. Bahala na lang tomorrow. Haha.

I'm actually looking forward to JTA 'cause it would mean such an environment change for me. I really want to leave the country now 'cause I want to feel brand new. I want to forget all those depressing moments that I've been through. I just want to leave and let go of all so that when I come back, I might just possibly be a better person.

3/4 hell weekend update

2007-02-24T21:46:00.000+08:00

Reality season once again, folks! Shows of my favorite television genre have started out their new seasons once again so I have something to look forward to almost everyday for the next few months. Yay. But, it would also mean that it could affect my study habits as I'm really weak against not watching a reality show. Ayayay que sera sera. But I'm sure gonna watch most of the shows especially American Idol 6 where the battle of the divas seem to be brewing. Go Melinda and Lakisha!

I'm actually in the middle of the peculiar hell weekend. It's as if the professors conspired to have their tests on this weekend to deprive me of rest and relaxation time. Imagine, I had Theology and Portuguese yesterday and I had Law today. On Monday, I'll be having Economics so tomorrow's still going to be study day. Good thing, after Economics, I won't have any major stuff to accomplish whatsoever so I'm going to be resting for the whole next week. Yay. Talk about rest you so deserve. And I'm actually excited to watch some movie next weekend or sometime this week even. I've got to watch Dreamgirls na!

I don't really have anything of depth to say today since all these tests have been squeezing my brain dry. Man, I hope I'd recover from this state sometime soon so I could post some decent entry. Till then, toodles.

superficial sacrifice

2007-02-21T21:00:00.000+08:00

I attended mass today 'cause it's Ash Wednesday. I think it's just like the second or third school mass I've attended since the start of college so that speaks a lot about how much of a responsible Catholic I am. Well, I successfully abstained from meat today and fasted too since I didn't have breakfast and only had Bread Pan for lunch. Not really that hard for me since I'm used to not eating lunch whenever I've got so little time for too much things to do.

Well, I realized how useless this fasting and abstaining thing for me. haha It seemed that I did follow the prescribed sacrifice for the day but it was too superficial to suffice for the uncontrolled and uncalled for stuff I said and did today. It came off to me as rather hypocritical since I did sacrifice but my faults still showed up and somewhat became more significant than my sacrifice. It's something that I should ponder on and change this season of Lent since it's about time that things change for me. I profoundly remember a message from the homily today: In dying, we live. Quite ironic but it seems applicable for my situation since I've experienced so much pain the past year. It's about time, even though way delayed, to rise up and live again.

insensitivity

2007-02-20T20:20:00.000+08:00

After such a long hiatus 'cause of the fruitless hell week that has been, I've finally found time to write in this journal of mine. Well, I still actually have a weekend, take note weekend, from hell with four long tests in four days. Of course, Sunday is not included naman but Friday, Saturday and Monday are just killers. Well, I just hope I'd get through it again without encountering as much disasters as I've had the past week. Haay. I just really can't understand why all of this is happening to me. I mean our presentation showed me the promises of the resurrection but then the actual things that happened to me just seems to be always passion and death. Passion and death. Parang wala na talagang tigil ang lahat ng paghihirap ko. Grabe 'yung trinabaho ko sa Theo tapos ganun-ganon lang mangyayari. Why can't like justice be always served? Why is life so unfair that I always seem to get the shorter end of the stick? Why o why, buhay?

From all of that has happened to me, I seem to find a common element that's somewhat disturbing for me. It seems that people really delight in my suffering. I mean I was really hurt that some people could make fun of my horrible theology presentation without even considering how I was so crestfallen after that. Also, I remember those times when people would joke about my misfortunes without even thinking how I'd feel with their jokes. And you who seem to have excelled at disrespecting me and making my life so much unbearable. I mean it's just too much for me. I know I've got myself to blame for being so immersed in anger but the taunting jokes I always receive don't help at all. It just pushes me further and further towards infinite hatred and anger. With the respect I receive from people today, how can people expect me to respect them in return? Yeah, and I'm very well aware of the mockery I'd receive of this tomorrow or sometime soon because of this entry. Common joke na 'yun eh.

It's OK if people still want to joke. I mean I still laugh at them most of the time. But those which are too personal and insulting, please, save me from such crass for I'm so sick and tired of being taunted at the expense of my suffering. It helps so much to be sensitive sometimes.

everything worse

2007-02-12T22:56:00.000+08:00

It's just so hard when you already feel so disrespected and so low and people make fun of you because of that. It's like they're putting salt to a wound that's already so deep and disturbing. I'm bleeding so hard and no one really cares about it. And somebody has the guts to be so inconsiderate. And to think that when that somebody needed time, I gave it. And when it's me who was asking, all I get is utter disrespect. Wow what a life.

I effing don't deserve this.

nstp wanderings

2007-02-10T23:56:00.000+08:00

Saturdays are just too tiring for me. The Law and NSTP combo just seems too much for me to handle that I always end up sleeping so early in the evening then wake up like a little before or past midnight. When I woke up tonight, I really thought it was morning already and that I've slept for quite a long time then but no, it was just around 11:30 and the day hasn't changed yet. Oh well, at least I can do some academic tasks today since workload is just too much for me this coming week. There's just lots and lots that I hope I end up doing them all on time and with the best possible outcome I could muster.

Just to share, we had this picnic yesterday afternoon at the Bellarmine field. As usual, Miguel Armando was late for something he organized. Never trust Miguel Armando to come early on occasions like those 'cause he has always something to go to before going to the thing he organized. What a beych. haha. Anyway, I was really so tired that I laid out Miguel Armando's shirt that Anna Patricia used for their SOM photo shoot and Miguel Armando's bag which contained his laptop in order that I have some layer to shield me from the grass. While I was lying down, I just looked up the sky and got amazed at this vast empty blue space that was before me. I got so relaxed looking at the sky that for just a few moments, I've forgotten the stress and the problems which have been hounding me the past couple weeks. As usual, I craved for that moment times after 'cause I really want to get out of all the mess that I've been shoved into and have a better and brighter life. Maybe that's why I want to go JTA so that I could, at least for four months, get away from all the problems in my life and try to live a life seemingly better than the one I have here.

Well, Jacqueline and I interviewed this girl for our Theology project today. It was the typical story of a struggling teen with a melancholic background yet still striving for hope and excellence founded upon education and the many gifts thrust upon her. Well, the part which I remember the most was how her friends would help her financially just to get through Pathways. I've been volunteering for Pathways for almost a year already and I've been accustomed to the way of life these kids have. It actually entails sacrifice from these kids yet they always still go just to have a crack at better education and better life. Love the determination of the Pathways teens actually 'cause it's something you don't usually find with people who are better off. I'm sorry to be generalizing but I honestly feel that that's the case. Sometimes, the determination is just not there for better-off people 'cause they know they still have a fall-back of some sort if they fall along the way. Well, they never actually realize that it might actually be the cause of a fall so hard to recover from. People right now should change at how they look at responsibilities and have the fire in them to accomplish their goal.

Another thing is that I envy the girl we interviewed today 'cause of her friends. I mean her friends seem to be always their for her and makes some way to maneuver her around her problems. I know mine might be harder to deal with but I always find myself alone in this never-ending battle. I know my friends actually do help but sometimes, I feel like it's not enough. I sometimes feel like I've got no worth since nobody wants to fight for me. I just need people to be there and to defend me right now 'cause everything that's happening is just too much for me. My dignity and self-esteem are getting trampled more each and everyday and yet, nobody's there to help me with my troubles. Where are saviors when you need them?

wala kang awa

2007-02-08T21:50:00.000+08:00

I just can't believe a person so evil exists in you. Your actions keep on trampling me to pieces. And you had the guts to tell me you had problems before too and you even asked me for help? How evil and selfish could you be? When it comes to my problems, you never actually do something. You always do something else and it's killing me. My life is getting ruined because of your selfishness. Fix this now 'cause it's so much taking toll on my life. I'm so much having a hard time crying and feeling disrespected almost every night. You're the reason why I feel like I don't deserve respect 'cause you keep on disrespecting me.

You never really understand me, asshole.

hell fortnight ahead

2007-02-07T23:44:00.000+08:00

I've just realized today that I got myself into a lot of requirements that I could handle. I mean it's not that I collected all of them without thinking that it would lead to this point, it's just that I didn't know that everything will happen at the same time. Wow. The next two weeks are like the hellest this semester so I have to brace myself for the worst and keep my health in check as it's going to be one hell of a bloody academic accomplishing task.

I actually want and deserve some rest though as it's been all work and no play since the beginning of the year. I mean even last week which was supposed to be light, I felt so tired at the end of the week. Sometimes, I think I just can't take the pressure and stress anymore. Well, I don't really have anything more to say and do 'cause even if I rant and rant on here, nothing will actually happen and all the work stays. I just hope some miraculous thing happens and I survive. Pray for me people as this will be some troublesome period for me.

See, school teaches us to be superheroes sometimes. Fulfilling gigantic piles of requirements in a limited amount of time in a seemingly extraordinary manner.

time troubles

2007-02-06T21:39:00.000+08:00

Just a short entry as tons of schoolwork awaits. I might not even get sleep tonight so pray for me that I finish the requirements I need for tomorrow especially for my Polsci long test. Good Lord, help me.

Time, it's just too devious. The instant you need it to go by fast, it bores you to death. The instant you need it to go super slow, it races as if some force makes it go faster than usual. For a student like me, time is so much of the essence since budgeting it to meet all your needs is a requisite for proper fulfillment of one's duties and responsibilities. It's like time is always against me whenever I ask for it to be with me. Time never fails in disappointing me regarding those moments in life which I'd rather prolong or shorten. There are only just those few instances when time seems to move the way it's supposed to move for me and I so love those times. Especially the times I'd just sit along somewhere and marvel as time slowly drifts by. Siyempre, ngayon ko pa pinag-usapan na I'm super stressed. Well, I guess I have to cut this entry short since the claws of reality are already gashing my already fragile being. I just hope time would start to synchronize with the pace I want so that everything and every event would seem to fall in place.

too much hurts

2007-02-05T21:10:00.000+08:00

Dilly-dallying through my weekend has left me with my usual picture, so little time for so many requirements. In short, it's cramming time! Haay why can't I make myself work harder for school so that I won't get the short end of the stick now. I mean I've ranted on and on about not doing as good as I've wanted in school but then it's actually all my fault why I haven't improved. Ugh My study habits really have to change. Well, come to think of it, it's not that I did not try, it's just that I can't get the right solution to my Accounting homework that I eat up too much time and effort that should've been devoted for other homework. But I really hate this feeling of not accomplishing anything during the weekend. I hope I could really make up tonight.

This and an event which has impacted my whole day has got me thinking about having too much. I mean it's really better to have too little of something rather than have it too much. Of course, having it moderately should be better but too little teaches you things which are more valuable in life. Yes, the temptation of having too much seems better. You have an amount of that thing which is far greater than what you really need. Therefore, most of the time, you tend to be complacent about it until some major problem arises from it. Most of the time, you cannot really solve this new problem now 'cause you've been so used to having a light time with having too much that you've forgotten about the complexities and hardships of living with that thing.

Having too little actually teaches us to be thrift and to allocate the meager resource we have for the time period it's supposed to cover. Since you have a little of that thing, you're forced to meet ends even though you have a little. It teaches you to sacrifice and creativity in dealing with difficult situations which would always be helpful once resources seem too little once again. And the good thing is, once you've got more of that thing, you're more secured of not bungling all those that you have 'cause you've instilled in yourself valuable attitudes which would aid you in the long run.

Wanting too much really seems skewed for me right now 'cause you really don't need that much. And sometimes, more complications come with having too much. Therefore, we should be satisfied with what we have today unless we deem we need a little more of that something.

Too much hurts. Too little teaches. Keep it moderate.

bigger picture

2007-02-04T23:57:00.000+08:00

Well, the reason why I wasn't able to write in this journal yesterday was that I slept starting 6 last night till 8 in the morning today. Haha babuyan matulog. Well, I guess that shows how much tired I've been because of the past week. And the funny thing is I didn't regard that as one of my hell weeks. It should've been a rest week even. Haha. Well, that just shows how studying in the Ateneo works. Hell or no hell, you're going to lose some sleep and devote some of your weekend to regaining those lost hours. As if. I've only got Sunday as my weekend and it's not even recreational 'cause I have to do lots of homework for the following week. Haay. Summer, I want you now!

I realized the other day how I should view my life in order that I'd be motivated much better. Look at the big picture. If you look at it, everyday, we're faced with decisions which could either benefit us in the short-run or the long-run. Whatever we choose, it would seriously affect us either way. It could benefit both scenarios, benefit just one or even not benefit us at all. For instance, dealing with the decision on whether to sleep an extra hour could very well spell some change in your life. Who knows, that extra hour of waking up could've allowed you to study more for a subject and could've saved you from failing that if only you'd woken up for that extra hour. Well, if you didn't, then doom might just be cast upon you. Not really though but I hope that illustrated the idea.

In my case, I've thought about why I keep on doing kinda poorly this time around and I've pinpointed it to my affinity for choosing the short-run benefits rather than the long-run. I've always satisfied my craving for the immediate goals and desires rather than those which I should be working for a long time. For me, it's wrong because I'm letting go of a more satisfying long-term end rather than a short-term one. Well, my life has been tumbling down the hill of misery 'cause I'd always go for the immediate ones. If only I learn how to prioritize more important long-term goals, then I'd escape the rut I'm currently stuck in.

I promise to think about my decisions more carefully now and prioritize goals which are much more worth my time and effort. Make me always remember to look at the bigger and grander picture before I jump to conclusions. Lord, help me.

i should've kicked you this afternoon

2007-02-02T20:08:00.000+08:00

It just seems a never ending catastrophe. You always make it look like things are going to change already but then, since you're like the most selfish, demonic and evilest asshole on earth, you never actually do anything. Ugh. You always lie and do the harshest stuff to me. God, I so hate you. And I really wish I was more evil so that I could've just hurt you like you're hurting me always. Effing always. This experience is so much worse than hell and death combined. So much and I can't wait for the day that this seemingly unending nightmare finally ends.

On my way home, I was honestly on the verge of tears but God is good and Andrew and Dima were sitting by the stairs I usually take when I go home. We pleaded Andrew to join us for some coffee at Marquinton and though he hesitated at first, he agreed to go. Yay! At Starbucks, we just talked and talked about our usual stuff and some of Andrew's advertising project. We're really more passionate when it comes to creative stuff like that so we devoted around an hour and a half just talking about Andrew's ad. We argued over black polar bears, a sando-clad Santa Claus, burning globes, mermaid-revealing rivers until we finally settled over something we all liked. Of course, I won't divulge it here as Andrew would surely kill me for baring his plans. Let's just wait and see until it's ready for public consumption! Such a better end to an otherwise horrible afternoon.

Lord, thanks so much for giving me that time with Dima and Andrew. Thanks for still giving me something to smile about even if the devil so much bothers my life right now. I know it'll be too much to ask and it's not your nature to do things I'm asking for but I just want justice for all the wrongs the devil has done to me. Let some lightning strike upon the devil and be burnt to a crisp. Forgive me for wanting that but it's just too much.

commuter personality

2007-02-01T23:56:00.000+08:00

I ended early today because our accounting class was moved to the 1030 slot. So by 12 I was done but then Brian was going to go to SEC for our accounting project so I hitched. I went with him so I'd get the project going already as I don't want to cram such an important project. After some weird experience in SEC, Brian, huwag kang humirit dito! Brian drove me to the Shaw MRT station and I began my journey home. I actually didn't expect the MRT to be that jampacked! Hindi mahulugan ng karayom, ika nga. It was really uncomfortable being in such state because you're just too close with other people and you don't have the freedom to move much. I was so confined and so anxious to move out. Thankfully, we arrived at the Cubao station faster than I anticipated and I got out and enjoyed the freedom of movement once again. Lesson learned, the safest time to ride the MRT is lunch time. Wala nang matinong oras sa pagsakay ng MRT eh...

While I was squished by all those other commuters in the MRT and after a fleeting moment looking at the ceiling of the MRT, I realized a possible revelation to my personality. My commuter personality. Well, I've realized that I've been too into commuting ever since I started a year and a half ago. I've been provided with chances to drive on my own to school or wherever place but I've always chosen to just commute and be on my own. And I guess it shows a part of me which might be already prominent to other people.

Well, in commuting, you're drowned out by the sea of commuters you're with. To the world, you're just another commuter going through his or her day, trying to get home. You do not like hold a distinct identity as represented by your car. Since you're riding different jeeps, buses or MRTs then you're masked by the vehicle you're in for just that time and you don't hold that identity for many days. Once you've gone down, then you're not part of that anymore. Also, when some accident happens, then you're not the one who's mainly responsible. And I know how people react with car mishaps especially with the driving skills that my grandfather possesses. Trust me, such an ugly sight.

So how does commuting relate much to my personality? Well, I really like anonymity. I've told this before back in first week first year high school that I'm a silent worker. I really don't want to be recognized for accomplishing something. I just want to get there and finish what I have to do and that's it. If ever there'll be recognition, then thank you but I'm not going to focus the limelight much upon me. Also, with regards to mishaps, I really hate confrontations. I'm not good with them as I'm not that bold in dealing with such occurrences. I'd rather find other ways to fix the situation than confront somebody outright. Of course, when provoked and when it's ultimately necessary, then I confront the person who has done me wrong.

Well, commuting does indeed jive with my personality and I'm going to discover more things about myself with more commuting experiences. As you can see, much of the entries in this journal have taken their inspiration from encounters I had while I was commuting. It's encountering the real world full blast kasi eh. So I really advise it especially to those who want adventure and discovery!

passion lost

2007-01-31T21:52:00.000+08:00

For Polsci class today, we had a Polish lecturer who discussed political expenditures and how these impact on the whole political and societal process. Aside from the fact that I wasn't feeling very well because it was just too cold outside today, I really didn't listen that much to the talk because I was kinda bored to death. No offense to the speaker, I know it was of significance and intellect but politics just doesn't appeal to me anymore the same way it did a few years back. Before, I'd glue myself to the television set and watch the Philippine political drama unfold before my very eyes. Now, whenever I see men clad in suits debating furiously in the Congress, I quickly change the channel. I'm just sick and tired of all the yada yada yada our leaders concentrate their job upon. I mean you can't blame people for seeing the situation as bleak 'cause how can you spark change when your leaders don't actually want the structures to change. Or they want to just because it would give them power. Blech.

Well, I won't go on yakking about the political stuff 'cause it's not the main point of this entry. What I'd like to say is that I've already lost faith in too many things I've loved before. I don't know maybe it's because they just don't give me the satisfaction I've felt from them when I was still into them. Politics, org work, evol heck, even Survivor. to those who don't know, this reality show is like my ultimate favourite. Well, something along the way just jumbled and rumbled my head and heart up so that I'm not really into them anymore. Changing my heart on them isn't bad actually 'cause we all have our own tastes, hobbies and needs. It's just part of life that we go through several processes which mold us into hopefully better people and those we deem as not worth our time anymore are crossed out of our lists. Well, I still enjoy engaging myself in those stuff I've mentioned but I'm not as passionate and dedicated to them anymore. But I still can go back to them whenever I want as long as the world turns. As easy as our passion ebbs on them, it's also the case on how we rekindle the passion that has been before in our hearts again. Just as in the case of Survivor, I know one good season could make me crave for it again!

After further thinking, I'm just really an irony when it comes to change though.

place where i belong

2007-01-30T21:15:00.000+08:00

This afternoon, I decided to just wait for my brother and save myself from the hassles of commuting. So, after buying a burrito and sago gulaman, I went to our car already. Since my brother wasn't there yet, I decided to sit somewhere along the field and enjoy my merienda. Then while munching on the burrito, a thought about the topic for this entry ran across my head. So I tried to think about what I can write for today and then I realized that what I've thought about before that was the perfect one for today. Naghanap pa talaga ako pero naisip ko na pala.

The Ateneo. If ever there are people you could say as experts about the Ateneo, then you'd rely upon the guys who have studied there since Prep. I guess nobody has enjoyed the Ateneo more than those who have stayed their since the beginning of their academic career. And I'm proud to say I'm one of them. Come to think of it, I'm actually one of the few who never actually suffered being subject to a new environment for a new chapter in my school life. I mean most people in the Ateneo today adjusted greater one way or the other than those who graduated from the High School. Well, they're actually saved from the AHS culture of study habits. Haha. But we're not really focusing on that now, aren't we?

So the thought that actually sums up what I want to say is that when I look back years from now, I'd vividly remember the Ateneo as an integral part in my formation. I'd remember all the joys and pains I've experienced in school. From Prep Mapagmahal to 7 Campion to 4A to II BS MGT-H, I've collected so much memories to cherish and reflect upon once my stay in the university finally comes to an end. Almost every place in the Ateneo, I could say that I'd relate it to specific memories I'd sometimes look back on. I'm happy that the Ateneo experience has been chockful of insights and experiences that will sustain me through the rest of my life.

Kagaya nga ni Rizal, whenever I'll pass through the university, I'd proudly say, "Diyan ang pinakamaliligayang araw ko."

in pursuit of happiness

2007-01-29T23:08:00.000+08:00

Are my posts too long for anyone to endure to read? I asked a friend last night and he told me that he my entries seem too long. Well, I'm sorry if they seem too long but that's just how I write. At the beginning of each entry, I actually don't know how long I'm going to write for the day but I just type away until I feel satisfied with what I've written. It's OK if like people don't read everything as long as I'm satisfied with what I've done. Afterall, this journal should please me first rather than it please the others. Selfish but that's the purpose of blogging after all. You should blog about what you want to say and not what you want others to read, right?

Cool thing. Everytime I arrive home early in the afternoon, it seems that my body has entered into this routine. I'll arrive anytime before 3 then sleep at around that time. Then, the magic. I always find myself waking up at 6pm! Galing grabe! Wala lang, actually. Namangha lang ako. Haha.

After eating eating dinner, I decided to go to Starbucks and study there. Well, it seems my body has been accustomed to studying in Starbucks (expensive study habit!) so I just had to go there to jumpstart my study night. Since I was studying there, I borrowed my cousin's MP3 player. Obviously, it was for the purpose of drowning out the noise of people chatting endlessly. Argh, sometimes the noise gets too much for me that I cannot concentrate on what I'm studying but I can't just go home 'cause it's harder for me to study there because distractions and temptations thrive. So I studied for around an hour and 30 minutes and when I couldn't handle the noise, influx of people and information anymore, I decided to go home. Inside our village, I got the mp3 player out again, since I kept it inside my jacket the short time I was between Marquinton and our village, and listened. A few seconds in and I found myself strutting and swaying to...Britney Spears' Do Something. Don't blame me, that was my cousin's mp3 player...but the file was from our computer actually. haha. Wala lang kahit ako natawa sa sarili ko.

Anyway, I've never felt that relaxed and cheerful! I mean I was walking home and I had this giggly-wiggly feeling inside me that I just cannot control. Grabe for once, I felt so bubbly and happy. And I've never had that feeling since the time my problems started piling up. What a feeling! He'll just always give you the perfect time to chill and forget about any worries you have for the next days. Hope more instances like that come.

Final point. I've realized how we are happiest if we seek our endeavors in our truest state. To hell with norms and constraints. If there's nothing really wrong with what you want and what you plan to do to attain it, then go for it! Satisfaction is much more enjoyable if we harvest it from things we like to do. Things which reveal our true identity. Things which unleash our desires.

I just wish other people would cooperate though 'cause yeah you could satisfy those deepest desires if it only concerns you and you alone. But things get a whole lot more complicated if other people come into the picture. There should be a meeting of two deepest desires in order for ultimate satisfaction to work. Pursuing happiness at the expense of other people without sacrificing too much is one of the trickiest games we have to play so we have to be ultra-careful playing it.

on a person's worth (theology paper)

2007-01-28T16:08:00.000+08:00

In my life, disappointments and failures seem to never end. Every time something uplifting comes along, some fiasco immediately follows. It seems like I’m trapped in this vicious cycle of shame and feeling unworthy that I could never escape. I feel inferior and worthless.

Actually, all I long for is some appreciation. I mean I won’t care if I don’t measure to society’s standards as long as I know that I’m doing my best. All I actually desire is some appreciation from the people I value the most. The sad thing is, I feel so unappreciated. It’s like I could just disappear someday and nobody would even care a bit. And so I’ve always longed for the worth value I’ve been craving for and it seems that the past recollection shone me some light about it.

Thinking about an insight shared last Sunday that pertained to the value of a person, memories of a worthwhile experience came to mind. My immersion in Sapang Palay, Bulacan when I was in third year high school. I came there knowing and anticipating that I’d spend three days with a foster family who’d provide me with the experience of their everyday life. But lo and behold, what they gave me was way more than what I expected and what they were having in their daily life. During my stay there, I ate food which I knew was specifically prepared for just my stay there, I was given the luxury of my own room (which I actually don’t have in my own house), and I even was invited to a simple ice cream party to celebrate the birthday of one of their relatives! Common sense dictates that these didn’t really reflect their daily lives and it entailed some extra spending and sacrifices from them. It was like I really didn’t go in an immersion. It felt like I just vacationed in the house of a relative. At that time, I felt I had worth.

Realizing then my worth came in the most atypical of contexts. Who was I to be treated that fine in their house? Matter of fact, I was unworthy of getting the extra comfort in their home but they give it to me without hesitation. It’s as if they did not care whether it would involve extra costs and sacrifices. They were only concerned with making me feel at home in their house. And what I got out of it was even more. A heart joyful because of the knowledge that its owner has been shown that he has worth and purpose in this life.

Reflecting furthermore, I’ve grasped the connection of my experience with my foster family with our relationship with God. Bluntly, if you try to look at it in a different perspective, it seems that we are unworthy of God’s love and care. We err and disobey Him most of the time. Yet, God continues to love us unconditionally. He forgives us of our shortcomings and evokes us to live a better life. More often than not, He goes the extra mile in making us feel our worth by blessing us with lots of loving people and fruitful experiences. Therefore, I feel ashamed that it seems to be just one-way in valuing and sacrificing between me and God. I’m the one who seems unworthy of His love yet He’s the one who’s doing all the understanding and sacrificing. Thus, from now on, I should engage in such endeavors which embody my high regard for God in my life.

Right now, I’m in the process of making myself worthier in my relationship with God. First step has actually been done. I’ve sorted worldly measures into mere opinions that are insignificant when juxtaposed with God’s unconditional love. It’s with Him which I always find my worth now and I always try to not get affected by the little disappointments and failures which come my way. Now, I need to follow Him. I need to take up my cross and always try to be a man worthy of God’s unconditional love. I know it will be the hardest part in my relationship with Him but I know it will be all worth it in the end. I need to face it head on and immerse myself in doing His will because it would make me feel that I’m doing what He wants me to do and I know that it would strengthen our relationship with more love and worth. I’m standing up for my God and make myself worthier of His unconditional love!

sukdulan

2007-01-28T15:21:00.000+08:00

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE DEVIL.

Nothing could ever take away the infinite anger I have inside for you. I vow to destroy and slay you, you devil.

rules make us look evil

2007-01-26T12:30:00.000+08:00

I am so glad that my hell week is going to be over tomorrow. I just need to read around 250+ pages worth of business-related laws and that's it for my first hell week this year. I have promised to reward myself by not doing much school-related work this Sunday. Well, I have to read some 100+ pages of Theology for our resurrection report so I might actually have so little time for my rest. Bahala na! See, this semester is being true to its promise of being chock-filled with reading and reading and reading. Kung tamaan ka nga naman ng malas. Pero kaya 'yan! I will accomplish everything I need to do over the weekend. I promise.

I went to the LST library to research for Theology yesterday. The photocopy lady was irritating by the way 'cause she promised me it'll be oh-so ready if i just came back for it the following day. But lo and behold when I came in this morning, she was just about to photocopy it. God. I mean I sacrificed yesterday and today just to go there and she just didn't keep her promise of photocopying my materials earlier than the time I come. Ugh, and she even had the guts to collect some down payment from me. Eh siya nga, 'di niya ginawa ng maayos trabaho niya. People, people, people, what's happening to the world???

I also got irritated with the seemingly too tight rules and regulations of the library. I mean there's a dresscode and you have to leave your things and all those little do's and dont's that I deem unnecessary. Grabe Theology library 'yon, Sobrang tigas naman siguro ng mukha noon kung magnakaw ng libro from that. It's a Theo library after all. Anyway, since I got irritated with the library's rules, a thought crossed my mind. What if rules are the ones which cause people to violate the law? I know it's weird to look at things that way but what if people react to rules worse than we thought.

The though came to mind 'cause in our Economics class (ginanahan kuno sa eco), markets are better off left alone than regulated by rules and regulations. Sometimes, if you just let things flow, then it will come to a time when things well be at an equilibrium and the optimum condition will be met.

Wait, wait, wait. That didn't sound too good actually. haha.

Anyway, sometimes, it seems that these rules that we put up assume the power of evil that resides within each of us. It's as if we anticipate that people will always try to not live by their own set of morals and standards. It's as if we disregard the innately good nature that people are supposed to have. I mean in the case of Theo library, are they saying that people in the Ateneo aren't trustworthy enough to not steal any of their materials? Well, people could argue that current times call for safeguarding and protecting rather than risk losing their materials. Iba na raw kasi ang panahon ngayon.

Exactly my point. Since iba na ang panahon ngayon, people also adapt to the current lifestyle trends. And since current lifestyle often induces materialism and tomfoolery, then people are more tempted to break the rules and engage in such activities. It's just wrong. And we're trapping ourselves in a vicious cycle of adapting violently to the changing times.

People should be deemed as innately good rather than innately evil.

Unless proven otherwise, of course.

almost accident

2007-01-25T13:45:00.000+08:00

On my way home today, I almost got killed.

Well, I was walking home from Marquinton 'cause I did some homework there. When I reached the only intersection I needed to cross, I was confident that I won't encounter any mishaps 'cause the timing seemed perfect. The signal said go and there weren't too many cars. Only one thing kinda blemished the perfect scenario. Cars blocked the pedestrian crossing. Because of this, I was forced to cross some meter away from the crossing. And then the almost-accident happened. This van hid the view of the other side of the street so I couldn't see if any car was approaching. Walking with momentum from confidence of the seemingly perfect situation, I walked past the van and suddenly, headlights blinded me. I immediately halted and almost lost balance because of shock from the fact that a car almost hit me. For a moment, this eerie, tingling sensation ran through every nerve. I was caught off-guard. After the brief moment of shock, I continued on walking and realized how close I was to knocking on heaven's door. If I took another step or two then this entry wouldn't have been put up and i wouldn't have finished my theology paper for tomorrow. Sheesh, short-term goals lang talaga ang nilagay. Haha.

So why am I writing about this? It's because I've felt the presence of God at that moment. Naks, tumetheo! Seriously, the thing that first popped in my head was how good God was in sparing my life for that moment. Grabe, I could've just been easily trampled by that car but some force or someone held me back. Held me back so that I can continue on with my life. It's these instances that make you see why we should cherish life. It's a precious gift that we should take full use of. And so I remember of the times I tried to break free from my own life by attempting suicide. Pero tapos na iyon. I've told myself to not attempt that anymore. Yes, I still feel bad about my life sometimes but I've promised myself not to resort to that anymore. Cool right?

I've already encountered a handful of near-death experiences in my life. There was the almost terminal stage bout with dengue, the almost car plunging into the sea on our way home from Bicol and the almost fatal crash tricycle ride one school morning. In these times, I could've just been killed in an instant. Well, except for the dengue one. But it seems that God wants me to be here. It seems that He's just trying to somewhat remind me that death is inevitable. There will come a time that I might just collide head on with a car or something. So to avoid regretting and not finishing the things to be done, He reminds me to cherish the life He has given me and make good use of it. And with that, He assures us that we'll always feel His presence whenever he deems we need to feel it like when we stray or cherish the wrong things. God cares for us. Whatever experiences we have in the future, whether they may be near-death or just an ordinary one, we should trust that the outcome is the one best for us and it's all according to a greater plan. His plan.

Human life is very fragile. One swift of blade, one gunshot, one explosion, one skid of tires, one severe allergic reaction and it could all be gone. Love life and live life.

some progress, when you look at it

2007-01-22T23:41:00.001+08:00

I have pinpointed and isolated the root of all my suffering.

And i want to do away with it as soon as possible 'cause i don't want all of this shit anymore.

But it keeps on and on and on. Damn tired. So damn tired. But the sad part is that i'm doing everything to finally fix it but it just won't fix 'cause somebody's not cooperating.

Haay.

start of something new

2007-01-22T23:36:00.001+08:00

Well, it's the middle of my hell week and what am i doing? Writing my very first decent entry in my new blog. Yay! Haha. Anyway, i was supposed to like write a better welcome than this but then again laziness got in the way so it'll just be simple now as i'm in the middle of a week that potentially could make or break my college life. Naks.

I left my old journal, my beloved LJ, for the purpose of instilling in my mind a sense of beginning again. Of finally, finally eating away all the anger and angst inside me and trying to live a better life. A few weeks ago, i heard in this tv show of how this year is a good one for beginnings 'cause of some 20-year whatever which ended last year. Well, i hope it'll turn out to be true. I don't know but i just really hope that things will be better this time around and no more of that shitty stuff to happen to me. Well, cheers to a new blog and a new life!

Yesterday, we had our theology recollection and i was quite happy with my experience. I don't know but everytime i go on a retreat or recollection, i enjoy the time resting and contemplating on my life. And it's amazing 'cause everytime i nap when we're tasked to reflect, i wake up exactly at the time i'm supposed to wake up. (i'm bad at waking up right away fyi :)) But the better part is that i always feel refreshed and rejuvenated when i wake up! Sometimes, i even feel that it suffices more than all the sleeping time i have sandwiched between loads and loads of schoolwork. Minsan talaga, gusto ko na lang tumigil at magpahinga para mawala na lahat ng kumplikasyon sa buhay ko. And i really mean that. But then again, i think about my purpose of getting through college and i realize how much i need to finish decently. I want to attain that goal and i will no matter what it entails. Kapag naibalik ko na sa kanila ang nararapat, doon na ako mamamahinga. Right now, i really am not after comfort for my own life anymore. I know that i'll be satisfied one way or the other without too much. What i want is to provide my parents the life they deserve after they took care of me for so long. I'll always look back on this entry to remind me of my purpose in college everytime i feel tired and weak.

This is for my family. This is for their happiness.