passion lost

For Polsci class today, we had a Polish lecturer who discussed political expenditures and how these impact on the whole political and societal process. Aside from the fact that I wasn't feeling very well because it was just too cold outside today, I really didn't listen that much to the talk because I was kinda bored to death. No offense to the speaker, I know it was of significance and intellect but politics just doesn't appeal to me anymore the same way it did a few years back. Before, I'd glue myself to the television set and watch the Philippine political drama unfold before my very eyes. Now, whenever I see men clad in suits debating furiously in the Congress, I quickly change the channel. I'm just sick and tired of all the yada yada yada our leaders concentrate their job upon. I mean you can't blame people for seeing the situation as bleak 'cause how can you spark change when your leaders don't actually want the structures to change. Or they want to just because it would give them power. Blech.

Well, I won't go on yakking about the political stuff 'cause it's not the main point of this entry. What I'd like to say is that I've already lost faith in too many things I've loved before. I don't know maybe it's because they just don't give me the satisfaction I've felt from them when I was still into them. Politics, org work, evol heck, even Survivor. to those who don't know, this reality show is like my ultimate favourite. Well, something along the way just jumbled and rumbled my head and heart up so that I'm not really into them anymore. Changing my heart on them isn't bad actually 'cause we all have our own tastes, hobbies and needs. It's just part of life that we go through several processes which mold us into hopefully better people and those we deem as not worth our time anymore are crossed out of our lists. Well, I still enjoy engaging myself in those stuff I've mentioned but I'm not as passionate and dedicated to them anymore. But I still can go back to them whenever I want as long as the world turns. As easy as our passion ebbs on them, it's also the case on how we rekindle the passion that has been before in our hearts again. Just as in the case of Survivor, I know one good season could make me crave for it again!

After further thinking, I'm just really an irony when it comes to change though.

place where i belong

This afternoon, I decided to just wait for my brother and save myself from the hassles of commuting. So, after buying a burrito and sago gulaman, I went to our car already. Since my brother wasn't there yet, I decided to sit somewhere along the field and enjoy my merienda. Then while munching on the burrito, a thought about the topic for this entry ran across my head. So I tried to think about what I can write for today and then I realized that what I've thought about before that was the perfect one for today. Naghanap pa talaga ako pero naisip ko na pala.

The Ateneo. If ever there are people you could say as experts about the Ateneo, then you'd rely upon the guys who have studied there since Prep. I guess nobody has enjoyed the Ateneo more than those who have stayed their since the beginning of their academic career. And I'm proud to say I'm one of them. Come to think of it, I'm actually one of the few who never actually suffered being subject to a new environment for a new chapter in my school life. I mean most people in the Ateneo today adjusted greater one way or the other than those who graduated from the High School. Well, they're actually saved from the AHS culture of study habits. Haha. But we're not really focusing on that now, aren't we?

So the thought that actually sums up what I want to say is that when I look back years from now, I'd vividly remember the Ateneo as an integral part in my formation. I'd remember all the joys and pains I've experienced in school. From Prep Mapagmahal to 7 Campion to 4A to II BS MGT-H, I've collected so much memories to cherish and reflect upon once my stay in the university finally comes to an end. Almost every place in the Ateneo, I could say that I'd relate it to specific memories I'd sometimes look back on. I'm happy that the Ateneo experience has been chockful of insights and experiences that will sustain me through the rest of my life.

Kagaya nga ni Rizal, whenever I'll pass through the university, I'd proudly say, "Diyan ang pinakamaliligayang araw ko."

in pursuit of happiness

Are my posts too long for anyone to endure to read? I asked a friend last night and he told me that he my entries seem too long. Well, I'm sorry if they seem too long but that's just how I write. At the beginning of each entry, I actually don't know how long I'm going to write for the day but I just type away until I feel satisfied with what I've written. It's OK if like people don't read everything as long as I'm satisfied with what I've done. Afterall, this journal should please me first rather than it please the others. Selfish but that's the purpose of blogging after all. You should blog about what you want to say and not what you want others to read, right?

Cool thing. Everytime I arrive home early in the afternoon, it seems that my body has entered into this routine. I'll arrive anytime before 3 then sleep at around that time. Then, the magic. I always find myself waking up at 6pm! Galing grabe! Wala lang, actually. Namangha lang ako. Haha.

After eating eating dinner, I decided to go to Starbucks and study there. Well, it seems my body has been accustomed to studying in Starbucks (expensive study habit!) so I just had to go there to jumpstart my study night. Since I was studying there, I borrowed my cousin's MP3 player. Obviously, it was for the purpose of drowning out the noise of people chatting endlessly. Argh, sometimes the noise gets too much for me that I cannot concentrate on what I'm studying but I can't just go home 'cause it's harder for me to study there because distractions and temptations thrive. So I studied for around an hour and 30 minutes and when I couldn't handle the noise, influx of people and information anymore, I decided to go home. Inside our village, I got the mp3 player out again, since I kept it inside my jacket the short time I was between Marquinton and our village, and listened. A few seconds in and I found myself strutting and swaying to...Britney Spears' Do Something. Don't blame me, that was my cousin's mp3 player...but the file was from our computer actually. haha. Wala lang kahit ako natawa sa sarili ko.

Anyway, I've never felt that relaxed and cheerful! I mean I was walking home and I had this giggly-wiggly feeling inside me that I just cannot control. Grabe for once, I felt so bubbly and happy. And I've never had that feeling since the time my problems started piling up. What a feeling! He'll just always give you the perfect time to chill and forget about any worries you have for the next days. Hope more instances like that come.

Final point. I've realized how we are happiest if we seek our endeavors in our truest state. To hell with norms and constraints. If there's nothing really wrong with what you want and what you plan to do to attain it, then go for it! Satisfaction is much more enjoyable if we harvest it from things we like to do. Things which reveal our true identity. Things which unleash our desires.

I just wish other people would cooperate though 'cause yeah you could satisfy those deepest desires if it only concerns you and you alone. But things get a whole lot more complicated if other people come into the picture. There should be a meeting of two deepest desires in order for ultimate satisfaction to work. Pursuing happiness at the expense of other people without sacrificing too much is one of the trickiest games we have to play so we have to be ultra-careful playing it.

on a person's worth (theology paper)

In my life, disappointments and failures seem to never end. Every time something uplifting comes along, some fiasco immediately follows. It seems like I’m trapped in this vicious cycle of shame and feeling unworthy that I could never escape. I feel inferior and worthless.

Actually, all I long for is some appreciation. I mean I won’t care if I don’t measure to society’s standards as long as I know that I’m doing my best. All I actually desire is some appreciation from the people I value the most. The sad thing is, I feel so unappreciated. It’s like I could just disappear someday and nobody would even care a bit. And so I’ve always longed for the worth value I’ve been craving for and it seems that the past recollection shone me some light about it.

Thinking about an insight shared last Sunday that pertained to the value of a person, memories of a worthwhile experience came to mind. My immersion in Sapang Palay, Bulacan when I was in third year high school. I came there knowing and anticipating that I’d spend three days with a foster family who’d provide me with the experience of their everyday life. But lo and behold, what they gave me was way more than what I expected and what they were having in their daily life. During my stay there, I ate food which I knew was specifically prepared for just my stay there, I was given the luxury of my own room (which I actually don’t have in my own house), and I even was invited to a simple ice cream party to celebrate the birthday of one of their relatives! Common sense dictates that these didn’t really reflect their daily lives and it entailed some extra spending and sacrifices from them. It was like I really didn’t go in an immersion. It felt like I just vacationed in the house of a relative. At that time, I felt I had worth.

Realizing then my worth came in the most atypical of contexts. Who was I to be treated that fine in their house? Matter of fact, I was unworthy of getting the extra comfort in their home but they give it to me without hesitation. It’s as if they did not care whether it would involve extra costs and sacrifices. They were only concerned with making me feel at home in their house. And what I got out of it was even more. A heart joyful because of the knowledge that its owner has been shown that he has worth and purpose in this life.

Reflecting furthermore, I’ve grasped the connection of my experience with my foster family with our relationship with God. Bluntly, if you try to look at it in a different perspective, it seems that we are unworthy of God’s love and care. We err and disobey Him most of the time. Yet, God continues to love us unconditionally. He forgives us of our shortcomings and evokes us to live a better life. More often than not, He goes the extra mile in making us feel our worth by blessing us with lots of loving people and fruitful experiences. Therefore, I feel ashamed that it seems to be just one-way in valuing and sacrificing between me and God. I’m the one who seems unworthy of His love yet He’s the one who’s doing all the understanding and sacrificing. Thus, from now on, I should engage in such endeavors which embody my high regard for God in my life.

Right now, I’m in the process of making myself worthier in my relationship with God. First step has actually been done. I’ve sorted worldly measures into mere opinions that are insignificant when juxtaposed with God’s unconditional love. It’s with Him which I always find my worth now and I always try to not get affected by the little disappointments and failures which come my way. Now, I need to follow Him. I need to take up my cross and always try to be a man worthy of God’s unconditional love. I know it will be the hardest part in my relationship with Him but I know it will be all worth it in the end. I need to face it head on and immerse myself in doing His will because it would make me feel that I’m doing what He wants me to do and I know that it would strengthen our relationship with more love and worth. I’m standing up for my God and make myself worthier of His unconditional love!

sukdulan

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE DEVIL.

Nothing could ever take away the infinite anger I have inside for you. I vow to destroy and slay you, you devil.

rules make us look evil

I am so glad that my hell week is going to be over tomorrow. I just need to read around 250+ pages worth of business-related laws and that's it for my first hell week this year. I have promised to reward myself by not doing much school-related work this Sunday. Well, I have to read some 100+ pages of Theology for our resurrection report so I might actually have so little time for my rest. Bahala na! See, this semester is being true to its promise of being chock-filled with reading and reading and reading. Kung tamaan ka nga naman ng malas. Pero kaya 'yan! I will accomplish everything I need to do over the weekend. I promise.

I went to the LST library to research for Theology yesterday. The photocopy lady was irritating by the way 'cause she promised me it'll be oh-so ready if i just came back for it the following day. But lo and behold when I came in this morning, she was just about to photocopy it. God. I mean I sacrificed yesterday and today just to go there and she just didn't keep her promise of photocopying my materials earlier than the time I come. Ugh, and she even had the guts to collect some down payment from me. Eh siya nga, 'di niya ginawa ng maayos trabaho niya. People, people, people, what's happening to the world???

I also got irritated with the seemingly too tight rules and regulations of the library. I mean there's a dresscode and you have to leave your things and all those little do's and dont's that I deem unnecessary. Grabe Theology library 'yon, Sobrang tigas naman siguro ng mukha noon kung magnakaw ng libro from that. It's a Theo library after all. Anyway, since I got irritated with the library's rules, a thought crossed my mind. What if rules are the ones which cause people to violate the law? I know it's weird to look at things that way but what if people react to rules worse than we thought.

The though came to mind 'cause in our Economics class (ginanahan kuno sa eco), markets are better off left alone than regulated by rules and regulations. Sometimes, if you just let things flow, then it will come to a time when things well be at an equilibrium and the optimum condition will be met.

Wait, wait, wait. That didn't sound too good actually. haha.

Anyway, sometimes, it seems that these rules that we put up assume the power of evil that resides within each of us. It's as if we anticipate that people will always try to not live by their own set of morals and standards. It's as if we disregard the innately good nature that people are supposed to have. I mean in the case of Theo library, are they saying that people in the Ateneo aren't trustworthy enough to not steal any of their materials? Well, people could argue that current times call for safeguarding and protecting rather than risk losing their materials. Iba na raw kasi ang panahon ngayon.

Exactly my point. Since iba na ang panahon ngayon, people also adapt to the current lifestyle trends. And since current lifestyle often induces materialism and tomfoolery, then people are more tempted to break the rules and engage in such activities. It's just wrong. And we're trapping ourselves in a vicious cycle of adapting violently to the changing times.

People should be deemed as innately good rather than innately evil.

Unless proven otherwise, of course.

almost accident

On my way home today, I almost got killed.


Well, I was walking home from Marquinton 'cause I did some homework there. When I reached the only intersection I needed to cross, I was confident that I won't encounter any mishaps 'cause the timing seemed perfect. The signal said go and there weren't too many cars. Only one thing kinda blemished the perfect scenario. Cars blocked the pedestrian crossing. Because of this, I was forced to cross some meter away from the crossing. And then the almost-accident happened. This van hid the view of the other side of the street so I couldn't see if any car was approaching. Walking with momentum from confidence of the seemingly perfect situation, I walked past the van and suddenly, headlights blinded me. I immediately halted and almost lost balance because of shock from the fact that a car almost hit me. For a moment, this eerie, tingling sensation ran through every nerve. I was caught off-guard. After the brief moment of shock, I continued on walking and realized how close I was to knocking on heaven's door. If I took another step or two then this entry wouldn't have been put up and i wouldn't have finished my theology paper for tomorrow. Sheesh, short-term goals lang talaga ang nilagay. Haha.

So why am I writing about this? It's because I've felt the presence of God at that moment. Naks, tumetheo! Seriously, the thing that first popped in my head was how good God was in sparing my life for that moment. Grabe, I could've just been easily trampled by that car but some force or someone held me back. Held me back so that I can continue on with my life. It's these instances that make you see why we should cherish life. It's a precious gift that we should take full use of. And so I remember of the times I tried to break free from my own life by attempting suicide. Pero tapos na iyon. I've told myself to not attempt that anymore. Yes, I still feel bad about my life sometimes but I've promised myself not to resort to that anymore. Cool right?

I've already encountered a handful of near-death experiences in my life. There was the almost terminal stage bout with dengue, the almost car plunging into the sea on our way home from Bicol and the almost fatal crash tricycle ride one school morning. In these times, I could've just been killed in an instant. Well, except for the dengue one. But it seems that God wants me to be here. It seems that He's just trying to somewhat remind me that death is inevitable. There will come a time that I might just collide head on with a car or something. So to avoid regretting and not finishing the things to be done, He reminds me to cherish the life He has given me and make good use of it. And with that, He assures us that we'll always feel His presence whenever he deems we need to feel it like when we stray or cherish the wrong things. God cares for us. Whatever experiences we have in the future, whether they may be near-death or just an ordinary one, we should trust that the outcome is the one best for us and it's all according to a greater plan. His plan.

Human life is very fragile. One swift of blade, one gunshot, one explosion, one skid of tires, one severe allergic reaction and it could all be gone. Love life and live life.

some progress, when you look at it

I have pinpointed and isolated the root of all my suffering.

And i want to do away with it as soon as possible 'cause i don't want all of this shit anymore.

But it keeps on and on and on. Damn tired. So damn tired. But the sad part is that i'm doing everything to finally fix it but it just won't fix 'cause somebody's not cooperating.

Haay.

start of something new

Well, it's the middle of my hell week and what am i doing? Writing my very first decent entry in my new blog. Yay! Haha. Anyway, i was supposed to like write a better welcome than this but then again laziness got in the way so it'll just be simple now as i'm in the middle of a week that potentially could make or break my college life. Naks.

I left my old journal, my beloved LJ, for the purpose of instilling in my mind a sense of beginning again. Of finally, finally eating away all the anger and angst inside me and trying to live a better life. A few weeks ago, i heard in this tv show of how this year is a good one for beginnings 'cause of some 20-year whatever which ended last year. Well, i hope it'll turn out to be true. I don't know but i just really hope that things will be better this time around and no more of that shitty stuff to happen to me. Well, cheers to a new blog and a new life!

Yesterday, we had our theology recollection and i was quite happy with my experience. I don't know but everytime i go on a retreat or recollection, i enjoy the time resting and contemplating on my life. And it's amazing 'cause everytime i nap when we're tasked to reflect, i wake up exactly at the time i'm supposed to wake up. (i'm bad at waking up right away fyi :)) But the better part is that i always feel refreshed and rejuvenated when i wake up! Sometimes, i even feel that it suffices more than all the sleeping time i have sandwiched between loads and loads of schoolwork. Minsan talaga, gusto ko na lang tumigil at magpahinga para mawala na lahat ng kumplikasyon sa buhay ko. And i really mean that. But then again, i think about my purpose of getting through college and i realize how much i need to finish decently. I want to attain that goal and i will no matter what it entails. Kapag naibalik ko na sa kanila ang nararapat, doon na ako mamamahinga. Right now, i really am not after comfort for my own life anymore. I know that i'll be satisfied one way or the other without too much. What i want is to provide my parents the life they deserve after they took care of me for so long. I'll always look back on this entry to remind me of my purpose in college everytime i feel tired and weak.

This is for my family. This is for their happiness.