JTA troubles

It's ovaaah! Even though I got somewhat sick today, I'm still so glad that the hell weekend is over. At least for the rest of the week, I don't really have to worry that much about academic requirements. Thank God 'cause I've been drowning in them since like the start of the year. This is the first week actually that I don't have so much to do for school. Relaxation galore for me! Yipeedoo!

I'm actually in the process of picking my school for JTA. I really don't know what to do right now. It wouldn't have been this hard if the two choices I have don't have certain perks and privileges I'd love to indulge in. Well, I'm actually leaning for Macao now 'cause it's cheaper and I'll have the chance to learn more Portuguese! Sim, boa ideia! But France is France and it'll mean that I'm going to live in Europe for sometime. That's actually so fun for me! And I'm going to see the Arc and the Tower Paris is famous for. Ayayay, I cannot decide. Pero panalo talaga ang advice ng mom ko. Spend the first months in France then the final ones in Macao. haha parang hindi problema ang pera ano. Bahala na lang tomorrow. Haha.

I'm actually looking forward to JTA 'cause it would mean such an environment change for me. I really want to leave the country now 'cause I want to feel brand new. I want to forget all those depressing moments that I've been through. I just want to leave and let go of all so that when I come back, I might just possibly be a better person.

3/4 hell weekend update

Reality season once again, folks! Shows of my favorite television genre have started out their new seasons once again so I have something to look forward to almost everyday for the next few months. Yay. But, it would also mean that it could affect my study habits as I'm really weak against not watching a reality show. Ayayay que sera sera. But I'm sure gonna watch most of the shows especially American Idol 6 where the battle of the divas seem to be brewing. Go Melinda and Lakisha!

I'm actually in the middle of the peculiar hell weekend. It's as if the professors conspired to have their tests on this weekend to deprive me of rest and relaxation time. Imagine, I had Theology and Portuguese yesterday and I had Law today. On Monday, I'll be having Economics so tomorrow's still going to be study day. Good thing, after Economics, I won't have any major stuff to accomplish whatsoever so I'm going to be resting for the whole next week. Yay. Talk about rest you so deserve. And I'm actually excited to watch some movie next weekend or sometime this week even. I've got to watch Dreamgirls na!

I don't really have anything of depth to say today since all these tests have been squeezing my brain dry. Man, I hope I'd recover from this state sometime soon so I could post some decent entry. Till then, toodles.

superficial sacrifice

I attended mass today 'cause it's Ash Wednesday. I think it's just like the second or third school mass I've attended since the start of college so that speaks a lot about how much of a responsible Catholic I am. Well, I successfully abstained from meat today and fasted too since I didn't have breakfast and only had Bread Pan for lunch. Not really that hard for me since I'm used to not eating lunch whenever I've got so little time for too much things to do.

Well, I realized how useless this fasting and abstaining thing for me. haha It seemed that I did follow the prescribed sacrifice for the day but it was too superficial to suffice for the uncontrolled and uncalled for stuff I said and did today. It came off to me as rather hypocritical since I did sacrifice but my faults still showed up and somewhat became more significant than my sacrifice. It's something that I should ponder on and change this season of Lent since it's about time that things change for me. I profoundly remember a message from the homily today: In dying, we live. Quite ironic but it seems applicable for my situation since I've experienced so much pain the past year. It's about time, even though way delayed, to rise up and live again.

insensitivity

After such a long hiatus 'cause of the fruitless hell week that has been, I've finally found time to write in this journal of mine. Well, I still actually have a weekend, take note weekend, from hell with four long tests in four days. Of course, Sunday is not included naman but Friday, Saturday and Monday are just killers. Well, I just hope I'd get through it again without encountering as much disasters as I've had the past week. Haay. I just really can't understand why all of this is happening to me. I mean our presentation showed me the promises of the resurrection but then the actual things that happened to me just seems to be always passion and death. Passion and death. Parang wala na talagang tigil ang lahat ng paghihirap ko. Grabe 'yung trinabaho ko sa Theo tapos ganun-ganon lang mangyayari. Why can't like justice be always served? Why is life so unfair that I always seem to get the shorter end of the stick? Why o why, buhay?

From all of that has happened to me, I seem to find a common element that's somewhat disturbing for me. It seems that people really delight in my suffering. I mean I was really hurt that some people could make fun of my horrible theology presentation without even considering how I was so crestfallen after that. Also, I remember those times when people would joke about my misfortunes without even thinking how I'd feel with their jokes. And you who seem to have excelled at disrespecting me and making my life so much unbearable. I mean it's just too much for me. I know I've got myself to blame for being so immersed in anger but the taunting jokes I always receive don't help at all. It just pushes me further and further towards infinite hatred and anger. With the respect I receive from people today, how can people expect me to respect them in return? Yeah, and I'm very well aware of the mockery I'd receive of this tomorrow or sometime soon because of this entry. Common joke na 'yun eh.

It's OK if people still want to joke. I mean I still laugh at them most of the time. But those which are too personal and insulting, please, save me from such crass for I'm so sick and tired of being taunted at the expense of my suffering. It helps so much to be sensitive sometimes.

everything worse

It's just so hard when you already feel so disrespected and so low and people make fun of you because of that. It's like they're putting salt to a wound that's already so deep and disturbing. I'm bleeding so hard and no one really cares about it. And somebody has the guts to be so inconsiderate. And to think that when that somebody needed time, I gave it. And when it's me who was asking, all I get is utter disrespect. Wow what a life.

I effing don't deserve this.

nstp wanderings

Saturdays are just too tiring for me. The Law and NSTP combo just seems too much for me to handle that I always end up sleeping so early in the evening then wake up like a little before or past midnight. When I woke up tonight, I really thought it was morning already and that I've slept for quite a long time then but no, it was just around 11:30 and the day hasn't changed yet. Oh well, at least I can do some academic tasks today since workload is just too much for me this coming week. There's just lots and lots that I hope I end up doing them all on time and with the best possible outcome I could muster.

Just to share, we had this picnic yesterday afternoon at the Bellarmine field. As usual, Miguel Armando was late for something he organized. Never trust Miguel Armando to come early on occasions like those 'cause he has always something to go to before going to the thing he organized. What a beych. haha. Anyway, I was really so tired that I laid out Miguel Armando's shirt that Anna Patricia used for their SOM photo shoot and Miguel Armando's bag which contained his laptop in order that I have some layer to shield me from the grass. While I was lying down, I just looked up the sky and got amazed at this vast empty blue space that was before me. I got so relaxed looking at the sky that for just a few moments, I've forgotten the stress and the problems which have been hounding me the past couple weeks. As usual, I craved for that moment times after 'cause I really want to get out of all the mess that I've been shoved into and have a better and brighter life. Maybe that's why I want to go JTA so that I could, at least for four months, get away from all the problems in my life and try to live a life seemingly better than the one I have here.

Well, Jacqueline and I interviewed this girl for our Theology project today. It was the typical story of a struggling teen with a melancholic background yet still striving for hope and excellence founded upon education and the many gifts thrust upon her. Well, the part which I remember the most was how her friends would help her financially just to get through Pathways. I've been volunteering for Pathways for almost a year already and I've been accustomed to the way of life these kids have. It actually entails sacrifice from these kids yet they always still go just to have a crack at better education and better life. Love the determination of the Pathways teens actually 'cause it's something you don't usually find with people who are better off. I'm sorry to be generalizing but I honestly feel that that's the case. Sometimes, the determination is just not there for better-off people 'cause they know they still have a fall-back of some sort if they fall along the way. Well, they never actually realize that it might actually be the cause of a fall so hard to recover from. People right now should change at how they look at responsibilities and have the fire in them to accomplish their goal.

Another thing is that I envy the girl we interviewed today 'cause of her friends. I mean her friends seem to be always their for her and makes some way to maneuver her around her problems. I know mine might be harder to deal with but I always find myself alone in this never-ending battle. I know my friends actually do help but sometimes, I feel like it's not enough. I sometimes feel like I've got no worth since nobody wants to fight for me. I just need people to be there and to defend me right now 'cause everything that's happening is just too much for me. My dignity and self-esteem are getting trampled more each and everyday and yet, nobody's there to help me with my troubles. Where are saviors when you need them?

wala kang awa

I just can't believe a person so evil exists in you. Your actions keep on trampling me to pieces. And you had the guts to tell me you had problems before too and you even asked me for help? How evil and selfish could you be? When it comes to my problems, you never actually do something. You always do something else and it's killing me. My life is getting ruined because of your selfishness. Fix this now 'cause it's so much taking toll on my life. I'm so much having a hard time crying and feeling disrespected almost every night. You're the reason why I feel like I don't deserve respect 'cause you keep on disrespecting me.

You never really understand me, asshole.

hell fortnight ahead

I've just realized today that I got myself into a lot of requirements that I could handle. I mean it's not that I collected all of them without thinking that it would lead to this point, it's just that I didn't know that everything will happen at the same time. Wow. The next two weeks are like the hellest this semester so I have to brace myself for the worst and keep my health in check as it's going to be one hell of a bloody academic accomplishing task.

I actually want and deserve some rest though as it's been all work and no play since the beginning of the year. I mean even last week which was supposed to be light, I felt so tired at the end of the week. Sometimes, I think I just can't take the pressure and stress anymore. Well, I don't really have anything more to say and do 'cause even if I rant and rant on here, nothing will actually happen and all the work stays. I just hope some miraculous thing happens and I survive. Pray for me people as this will be some troublesome period for me.

See, school teaches us to be superheroes sometimes. Fulfilling gigantic piles of requirements in a limited amount of time in a seemingly extraordinary manner.

time troubles

Just a short entry as tons of schoolwork awaits. I might not even get sleep tonight so pray for me that I finish the requirements I need for tomorrow especially for my Polsci long test. Good Lord, help me.

Time, it's just too devious. The instant you need it to go by fast, it bores you to death. The instant you need it to go super slow, it races as if some force makes it go faster than usual. For a student like me, time is so much of the essence since budgeting it to meet all your needs is a requisite for proper fulfillment of one's duties and responsibilities. It's like time is always against me whenever I ask for it to be with me. Time never fails in disappointing me regarding those moments in life which I'd rather prolong or shorten. There are only just those few instances when time seems to move the way it's supposed to move for me and I so love those times. Especially the times I'd just sit along somewhere and marvel as time slowly drifts by. Siyempre, ngayon ko pa pinag-usapan na I'm super stressed. Well, I guess I have to cut this entry short since the claws of reality are already gashing my already fragile being. I just hope time would start to synchronize with the pace I want so that everything and every event would seem to fall in place.

too much hurts

Dilly-dallying through my weekend has left me with my usual picture, so little time for so many requirements. In short, it's cramming time! Haay why can't I make myself work harder for school so that I won't get the short end of the stick now. I mean I've ranted on and on about not doing as good as I've wanted in school but then it's actually all my fault why I haven't improved. Ugh My study habits really have to change. Well, come to think of it, it's not that I did not try, it's just that I can't get the right solution to my Accounting homework that I eat up too much time and effort that should've been devoted for other homework. But I really hate this feeling of not accomplishing anything during the weekend. I hope I could really make up tonight.

This and an event which has impacted my whole day has got me thinking about having too much. I mean it's really better to have too little of something rather than have it too much. Of course, having it moderately should be better but too little teaches you things which are more valuable in life. Yes, the temptation of having too much seems better. You have an amount of that thing which is far greater than what you really need. Therefore, most of the time, you tend to be complacent about it until some major problem arises from it. Most of the time, you cannot really solve this new problem now 'cause you've been so used to having a light time with having too much that you've forgotten about the complexities and hardships of living with that thing.

Having too little actually teaches us to be thrift and to allocate the meager resource we have for the time period it's supposed to cover. Since you have a little of that thing, you're forced to meet ends even though you have a little. It teaches you to sacrifice and creativity in dealing with difficult situations which would always be helpful once resources seem too little once again. And the good thing is, once you've got more of that thing, you're more secured of not bungling all those that you have 'cause you've instilled in yourself valuable attitudes which would aid you in the long run.

Wanting too much really seems skewed for me right now 'cause you really don't need that much. And sometimes, more complications come with having too much. Therefore, we should be satisfied with what we have today unless we deem we need a little more of that something.

Too much hurts. Too little teaches. Keep it moderate.

bigger picture

Well, the reason why I wasn't able to write in this journal yesterday was that I slept starting 6 last night till 8 in the morning today. Haha babuyan matulog. Well, I guess that shows how much tired I've been because of the past week. And the funny thing is I didn't regard that as one of my hell weeks. It should've been a rest week even. Haha. Well, that just shows how studying in the Ateneo works. Hell or no hell, you're going to lose some sleep and devote some of your weekend to regaining those lost hours. As if. I've only got Sunday as my weekend and it's not even recreational 'cause I have to do lots of homework for the following week. Haay. Summer, I want you now!

I realized the other day how I should view my life in order that I'd be motivated much better. Look at the big picture. If you look at it, everyday, we're faced with decisions which could either benefit us in the short-run or the long-run. Whatever we choose, it would seriously affect us either way. It could benefit both scenarios, benefit just one or even not benefit us at all. For instance, dealing with the decision on whether to sleep an extra hour could very well spell some change in your life. Who knows, that extra hour of waking up could've allowed you to study more for a subject and could've saved you from failing that if only you'd woken up for that extra hour. Well, if you didn't, then doom might just be cast upon you. Not really though but I hope that illustrated the idea.

In my case, I've thought about why I keep on doing kinda poorly this time around and I've pinpointed it to my affinity for choosing the short-run benefits rather than the long-run. I've always satisfied my craving for the immediate goals and desires rather than those which I should be working for a long time. For me, it's wrong because I'm letting go of a more satisfying long-term end rather than a short-term one. Well, my life has been tumbling down the hill of misery 'cause I'd always go for the immediate ones. If only I learn how to prioritize more important long-term goals, then I'd escape the rut I'm currently stuck in.

I promise to think about my decisions more carefully now and prioritize goals which are much more worth my time and effort. Make me always remember to look at the bigger and grander picture before I jump to conclusions. Lord, help me.

i should've kicked you this afternoon

It just seems a never ending catastrophe. You always make it look like things are going to change already but then, since you're like the most selfish, demonic and evilest asshole on earth, you never actually do anything. Ugh. You always lie and do the harshest stuff to me. God, I so hate you. And I really wish I was more evil so that I could've just hurt you like you're hurting me always. Effing always. This experience is so much worse than hell and death combined. So much and I can't wait for the day that this seemingly unending nightmare finally ends.

On my way home, I was honestly on the verge of tears but God is good and Andrew and Dima were sitting by the stairs I usually take when I go home. We pleaded Andrew to join us for some coffee at Marquinton and though he hesitated at first, he agreed to go. Yay! At Starbucks, we just talked and talked about our usual stuff and some of Andrew's advertising project. We're really more passionate when it comes to creative stuff like that so we devoted around an hour and a half just talking about Andrew's ad. We argued over black polar bears, a sando-clad Santa Claus, burning globes, mermaid-revealing rivers until we finally settled over something we all liked. Of course, I won't divulge it here as Andrew would surely kill me for baring his plans. Let's just wait and see until it's ready for public consumption! Such a better end to an otherwise horrible afternoon.

Lord, thanks so much for giving me that time with Dima and Andrew. Thanks for still giving me something to smile about even if the devil so much bothers my life right now. I know it'll be too much to ask and it's not your nature to do things I'm asking for but I just want justice for all the wrongs the devil has done to me. Let some lightning strike upon the devil and be burnt to a crisp. Forgive me for wanting that but it's just too much.

commuter personality

I ended early today because our accounting class was moved to the 1030 slot. So by 12 I was done but then Brian was going to go to SEC for our accounting project so I hitched. I went with him so I'd get the project going already as I don't want to cram such an important project. After some weird experience in SEC, Brian, huwag kang humirit dito! Brian drove me to the Shaw MRT station and I began my journey home. I actually didn't expect the MRT to be that jampacked! Hindi mahulugan ng karayom, ika nga. It was really uncomfortable being in such state because you're just too close with other people and you don't have the freedom to move much. I was so confined and so anxious to move out. Thankfully, we arrived at the Cubao station faster than I anticipated and I got out and enjoyed the freedom of movement once again. Lesson learned, the safest time to ride the MRT is lunch time. Wala nang matinong oras sa pagsakay ng MRT eh...

While I was squished by all those other commuters in the MRT and after a fleeting moment looking at the ceiling of the MRT, I realized a possible revelation to my personality. My commuter personality. Well, I've realized that I've been too into commuting ever since I started a year and a half ago. I've been provided with chances to drive on my own to school or wherever place but I've always chosen to just commute and be on my own. And I guess it shows a part of me which might be already prominent to other people.

Well, in commuting, you're drowned out by the sea of commuters you're with. To the world, you're just another commuter going through his or her day, trying to get home. You do not like hold a distinct identity as represented by your car. Since you're riding different jeeps, buses or MRTs then you're masked by the vehicle you're in for just that time and you don't hold that identity for many days. Once you've gone down, then you're not part of that anymore. Also, when some accident happens, then you're not the one who's mainly responsible. And I know how people react with car mishaps especially with the driving skills that my grandfather possesses. Trust me, such an ugly sight.

So how does commuting relate much to my personality? Well, I really like anonymity. I've told this before back in first week first year high school that I'm a silent worker. I really don't want to be recognized for accomplishing something. I just want to get there and finish what I have to do and that's it. If ever there'll be recognition, then thank you but I'm not going to focus the limelight much upon me. Also, with regards to mishaps, I really hate confrontations. I'm not good with them as I'm not that bold in dealing with such occurrences. I'd rather find other ways to fix the situation than confront somebody outright. Of course, when provoked and when it's ultimately necessary, then I confront the person who has done me wrong.

Well, commuting does indeed jive with my personality and I'm going to discover more things about myself with more commuting experiences. As you can see, much of the entries in this journal have taken their inspiration from encounters I had while I was commuting. It's encountering the real world full blast kasi eh. So I really advise it especially to those who want adventure and discovery!